Black Christmas

Just before Christmas break, a group of sorority sisters start receiving obscene phone calls. After one of the sisters taunts the caller, he threatens to kill her. The caller then breaks into the sorority house and begins to pick off the residents one by one. Bob Clark's Black Christmas is often considered to be one of earliest slasher films. Whether you agree with that or not is a matter of taste, but the use of POV shots and the creative kills certainly put Black Christmas into the conversation. While it's unclear where the movie is supposed to be taking place, the scenery and the majority of the accents are unmistakably Canadian. Black Christmas can be a little slow at times, but the atmosphere and the bleak ending are very well done. Watching it now, it's clear that Black Christmas inspired quite a few of the slasher films that followed in its wake.

Rating: 72%

Fun Fact: Art Hindle, who played Clare's boyfriend Chris, was also in The Brood.

(Image from Wikipedia)

White Christmas

I’m not a big fan of musicals. I never have been and probably never will be. I can appreciate the craftsmanship of the performances. There is certainly plenty of talent on display in movies like White Christmas, even though it does little for me. It’s not the artifice of the song and dance numbers that bother me. I don’t need movies to be realistic in order to enjoy them. Often, and especially with White Christmas, my problem is all that singing and dancing delays the narrative. The first 45 minutes of White Christmas are fun and breezy. We move from WWII to Broadway to Florida to Vermont. We’re introduced to all the important characters and the crux of the plot is established. And then things slow way down. The hour and fifteen minutes that follow are overstuffed with big, showy musical numbers. Again, all the talent on display is impressive, but my interest in the movie dissipates with every new routine. White Christmas is really a mixed bag for me, I love the “let’s put on a show” storyline but there are just too many performances in the movie to keep my interest.

Rating: 64%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Christmas Story

Step by Step ran for seven seasons, from 1991 to 1998. It was made by some of the same people that made Family Matters, Steve Urkel even made an appearance on Step by Step's second episode. It was another big, broad 90s sitcom with a big cast. It had the same setup as the Brady Bunch, two single parents marry and form a large blended family. The show's breakout character was Cody, a goofy stoner/surfer-type with endless hidden skills and a stealthy wisdom beyond his years. In "Christmas Story," Frank and Carol (played by TV veterans Patrick Duffy and Suzanne Somers) realize on Christmas Eve that they've forgotten to pick up some important presents for their kids. Frank, a contractor, just so happens to have the keys to a toy store he's remodeling, so he and Carol let themselves in "with intent to purchase." Unfortunately for them, they're arrested by Deputy Feif (played by special guest star Don Knotts, in a not-so-subtle homage to his character on the Andy Griffith Show). Back at home, the kids are so consumed with opening presents that they don't even notice that their parents are missing. Thankfully, Cody is there to teach everyone an important lesson about the true meaning of Christmas.

Rating: Fried Chicken%

Fun Fact: Suzanne Somers and Don Knotts were both on Three's Company.

The Little Drummer Boy, Book II

As far as Rankin/Bass specials go, the original Little Drummer Boy special was both straightforward and coherent. The sequel, not so much. The Little Drummer Boy, Book II picks up where the first special ended. Aaron, the titular drummer boy, joins Melchior on a quest to find Simeon, a bell maker. Simeon has crafted silver bells, meant to be rung to announce the birth of Christ. Before Aaron and Melchior reach Simeon, the bells are stolen by some greedy Roman tax collectors. Will Aaron and his friends be able to get the bells back in time to announce the birth of our Lord and savior? Isn't it weird that the little drummer boy is named Aaron? I mean, I know this is all based off of a song from the 1940s, but don't you think they could have come up with a more convincing name? The kid grew up in the desert for Pete's sake.

Rating: Silver Bells%

(Image from IMDB)

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Urkel

Since our last Christmas with the Winslows, the opening credits of Family Matters has gone from nine to ten credited actors. In season four, the underappreciated Waldo Geraldo Faldo was bumped up to the main cast, although he does not appear in this episode. Telma Hopkins, who played Aunt Rachel, would no longer be a full-time cast member after season four, though she would still return to the show from time to time. Judy Winslow, played by Jaimee Foxworth, would be written off the show after season four. And, like Chuck Cunningham, Judy would never really be mentioned again. Even though I feel bad for the actor, it's hardly surprising that they would drop Judy from the cast. She appears at the beginning and end of the episode, but she doesn't have any lines. With Richie getting all of the precocious kid material, there's really nothing left for Judy. "It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Urkel" takes a page from the It's a Wonderful Life playbook. Laura gets a visit from her guardian angel after she hurts Steve's feelings for the millionth time. Tyrone, her angel, shows Laura what it would be like if her and Steve's roles were reversed. In the angel's vision, Steve becomes Steve Winslow while Laura becomes the nerdy neighbor Laura Urkel. Tyrone gives Laura the chance to go back and be nicer to Steve, resulting in her inviting Steve to spend Christmas Eve with the Winslows. It's not groundbreaking television by any means, but Kellie Shanygne Williams does a great job in nerd form.

Rating: Crystal Vase%

Frosty Returns

Frosty Returns isn't really a Christmas Special. It's some hippy-dippy bait-and-switch environmentalist propaganda bullshit. It's also not very good. It looks good and it has a great voice cast but that's about it. And, as much as I like John Goodman (he's in at least two of my favorite movies), he really has no business singing. I haven't really liked any of the Frosty specials so far, so I probably shouldn't have been surprised that I didn't end up liking Frosty Returns.

Rating: Yellow Snow%

(Image from IMDB)

It's a Wonderful Leaf

Even supervillains have to shop. Unfortunately, the shitty shoppers of St. Canard prove to be too much for Bushroot to bare and he decides to ruin Christmas for everyone. Using his plant-based powers, Bushroot amasses an army of Christmas trees to carry out his pernicious plans. Step one: cause chaos at the mall. Step two: steal everyone's presents. Only one thing stands in Bushroot's way, the daring do-gooder Darkwing Duck. Ever since I got Disney+, I've really been enjoying revisiting some of the classic Disney Afternoon shows. I think Darwking Duck holds up particularly well. Something tells me that Bonkers and Goof Troop might not have aged as gracefully though.

Rating: Sled%

(Image from IAD)

Alpha's Magical Christmas

It's Christmas time at the Command Center and Alpha 5 is feeling sad. He misses his best friends, the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. To cheer Alpha up, Zordon teleports a bunch of children to the Command Center to sing songs, bake cookies and help decorate for Christmas. What the fuck am I talking about? Why it's Alpha's Magical Christmas, the direct to video Christmas special featuring Alpha 5, everyone's favorite spastic robot. I was a little too old for Power Rangers when they first hit in North America. I thought the show was weird and cheap looking. I could understand the appeal of the Power Rangers but it was never anything that really stayed with me. I didn't even know that Alpha's Magical Christmas existed up until a year ago. It has a lot in common with We Wish You a Turtle Christmas, because it too is terrible. It's jam packed with Christmas songs sung by a children's choir and it is shot in the softest of soft focus. It's softer than the softest Uhura closeup.

Rating: Rollerblades%

(Image from RangerWiki)

Silent Night

Someday we'll look back on the era of horror movies from the early 2000s and 2010s and we'll have name for it. Like Film Noir, we'll find some snappy label for the look and tropes of the genre. Silent Night will definitely be a part of that yet-to-be-named genre. It's got all the hallmarks: shaky handheld camera work, a desaturated color palette, CGI blood, a nu metal soundtrack, and it gets bonus points for being a remake. It's not, however, a straightforward remake of Silent Night, Deadly Night, even though it takes a few things directly from the original. Silent Night is a movie about small town cops trying to stop a sadistic serial killer in a Santa suit. It's kind of like if Rob Zombie remade Fargo. It's competently made and there are at least 3 recognizable/credible actors in it. Most notably it features Malcolm McDowell playing the Sheriff of a small Wisconsin town for some reason. It's technically better than any of the other Silent Night, Deadly Night films, but I would sooner go back to watch a crazy piece of shit like The Toy Maker than the lukewarm bore that is Silent Night.

Rating: 54%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Visions of Deadly Nights Past:

Part One - Part Two - Part Three - Part Four - Part Five

Guess Who's Coming to Christmas

It's Christmas Eve in Milwaukee and Mr. C has laid down the law. There'll be no friends or guests in the Cunningham home for the holidays. It'll just be the family. Trimming the tree, making popcorn and drinking warm apple cider by the fire. But on his way home from the hardware store, Richie beings to suspect that Fonzie is going to be all alone for Christmas. Sure, the Fonz puts up a cool front. He regales anyone who asks about the family celebration waiting for him in Waukesha. But the truth is, he has nowhere to go. And if you think that the Fonz ends up spending the holiday alone, it's possible that you've never seen a TV show before. "Guess Who's Coming to Christmas" aired during the second season of Happy Days, when the show's ratings were in decline and it was in danger of being cancelled. For the following season, the show was restructured and Fonzie became a much more prominent character. The show would go on to run for eleven seasons, spawning several spin-offs.

Rating: A Three in One Wrench%

Fun Fact: "Guess Who's Coming to Christmas" features the final appearance of Chuck Cunningham, Richie's older brother. I've only ever seen a couple of episodes of Happy Days that featured Chuck. He liked playing basketball and he wasn't very smart. I'm really not sure if there was more to him than that.

Dear Santa Claus, Go Fuck Yourself

I've never lived in a trailer park. I've also never been to jail. And yet despite that, there's something so familiar and nostalgic to me about Dear Santa Claus, Go Fuck Yourself. Maybe it's the soft focus of the early 2000s digital video, which gives everything a warm, gauzy sheen. Maybe it's the fact that I've lived in Nova Scotia for most of my life and I don't find the characters on Trailer Park Boys to be all that exaggerated. I can still remember when I first heard about the show and the rush of pride I felt as it started to find an audience outside of the Maritimes. Over the years, I was lucky enough to meet a few members of the cast in real life. I even got to speak with John Dunsworth a few times before he passed away. On several occasions, I got to watch people recognize him in public and see him turn into Mr. Lahey for them. You've never seen people smile so enthusiastically as they were being told to fuck off.

Rating: Weed and Hash%

(Image from Amazon)

The Night of the Meek

After showing up late and drunk, Henry Corwin gets fired from his job as a department store Santa. On his way home, he comes across a large sack. At first, it appears to be full of garbage. But, upon closer inspection, it turns out that the sack is actually full of presents. Overjoyed, Henry starts handing out gifts to all those in need. From the winos in the mission house to the poor children on the street. All Henry needs to do is reach into the bag and out comes whatever the recipient desires most. Despite being an episode of The Twilight Zone, there's no ironic twist to the story. Henry is briefly arrested, as it's assumed that the presents are stolen, but even the cops are quick to agree that the mysterious sack is supernatural in origin. The episode ends neatly and sweetly. "The Night of the Meek" is both thoughtfully existential and earnestly straightforward. It has a lot in common with Ziggy's Gift and Ernest Saves Christmas, both of which I love. I can't imagine that "Night of the Meek" shows up on a lot of Twilight Zone Top Ten lists, but I still found it to be a charming curiosity.

Rating: A Pipe and a Smoking Jacket%