Merry Christmas, Mr. Bean

If you didn't experience it first hand, it might be difficult to explain the whole Mr. Bean phenomenon of the early 90s. "Well, he's this British guy and he doesn't really talk much. And he's always getting into these awkward situations. And, well, that's about it really. But it's really funny. Trust me." Watching it today, it's almost a mixture of Charlie Chaplin and Sheldon from The Big Bang Theory, but in a good way. I can honestly remember watching "Merry Christmas, Mr. Bean" for the first time over twenty years ago and laughing my ass off during the Nativity scene sequence. And, even though I knew it was coming, I laughed pretty hard at that sequence again on this most recent rewatch. Also, it's worth remembering that before Friends or any other sitcoms stole it, the whole turkey on the head thing started here.

Rating: Socks%

(Image from Pinterest)

The Leprechaun's Christmas Gold

Oh Rankin/Bass, God bless your nonsensical ways. There's a method to your madness that I will never understand and I'm perfectly alright with that. Everyone knows Rankin/Bass' perennial classic Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, but few people have probably put in much time with the rest of their catalogue. Just beyond Rudolph and Frosty there's a whole pantheon of blind orphans, cossacks, psychedelic donkeys and (apparently) leprechauns. I would summarize the plot of The Leprechaun's Christmas Gold, but it would surely sound like the ravings of a syphilitic lunatic. I'll just say that it involves a shipwrecked cabin boy, some leprechauns and a gold hungry banshee. It's a whole heap of nonsense. It should be noted, though, that the stop motion animation in this special looks amazing, easily the best I've seen from Rankin/Bass so far.

Rating: Shoes%

(Image from MC 'Toon Reviews)

A Muppets Christmas: Letters to Santa

A Muppet Family Christmas remains the gold standard of Christmas specials as far as I'm concerned. I still watch it every year. I am, however, always willing to make room in my heart for more Muppety goodness. It was in that spirit that I watched A Muppet Christmas: Letters to Santa, a Christmas special from 2008. While I enjoyed the special, it did not dethrone A Muppet Family Christmas from its place on high. If I had to criticize something about this more recent special, I would have to say that (much like some of the Muppet films) it leaned a little too hard on some of the human guest stars. Nobody watches the Muppets to see human celebrities. That said some of said humans totally crushed it. Nathan Lane, Jesse L. Martin and Whoopi Goldberg all did great work. Former NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg, not so much. So, while Letters to Santa won't be getting a yearly slot in my Christmas special lineup, it has earned a spot on the alternates bench.

Rating: Fish%

(Image from Muppet Central)

When S.A.V.A.G.E. Stole Santa

For some reason, in 1986, they made a cartoon based on Rambo. It was, apparently, the first children's cartoon to be based on a series of R-rated films. I have to assume that it was also one of the only children's cartoons to be based on a series of R-rated films. They made 65 episodes. It was a nutty show. It featured a lot of A-Team style action, with tons of shit getting blown up and people constantly shooting guns, though no one ever got hurt or killed. Jack Kirby, the king of comics, is listed as a creative consultant on the show. It also featured a decent voice cast, including Frank Welker, James Avery, Peter Cullen and Alan Oppenheimer. The Christmas episode, "When S.A.V.A.G.E. Stole Santa," finds Rambo and his trusty sidekick Turbo in Colorado. They're there to visit Rambo's friend Kris, a former rocket scientist who's given up the weapons game to make toys for orphans. Unfortunately for Kris, General Warhawk and the forces of S.A.V.A.G.E. have other plans for him. It's up to Rambo and one plucky orphan to rescue Kris and save Christmas.

Rating: A quiver of exploding arrows%

(Image from A Cartoon Christmas)

Santa Witch

For me, it’s not Christmas without at least little stop motion animation. And I unapologetically love Gumby. I was surprised to find out, however, that Gumby doesn’t appear in the short “Santa Witch.” It’s a full-on solo Pokey affair. I’d say it was weird, but I don’t think there really is any kind of base level normalcy in the Gumby canon. In “Santa Witch” Pokey is excited to meet Santa, but before he gets the opportunity Santa is carted off in a dog sled ambulance. With Santa too sick to perform his holiday duties, Pokey calls up a friendly witch to pick up the slack. Pokey and Cybill the seal tag along for the ride and the short ends with some children getting the shit scared out them when they catch a glimpse of the Santa Witch.

Rating: A Santa mask%

(Image from Ebay)

Last Christmas!

Disney rebooted DuckTales last year and from what I gather they've been doing a good job of modernizing the show for today's young audience while simultaneously paying tribute to all things related to Disney's stable of ducks. That's certainly the impression I got after watching the recent episode "Last Christmas!" It was essentially an indirect sequel to Mickey's Christmas Carol. They've changed the designs of the three spirits, but they're clearly making a callback to that classic special. One of the ghosts even says that they first met Scrooge McDuck when they were on their way to meet up with a different Scrooge. I'll skip over the plot of the episode, as it's just another riff on the classic Christmas Carol story, but I'd be remiss not to make mention of the stellar voice cast on the show. Scrooge himself is now voiced by former Time Lord David Tennant. He even makes a joke about time travelers. Bless me bagpipes!

Rating: Wendigo traps%

(Image from DuckTales Wiki)

A Scooby-Doo! Christmas

Scooby-Doo and the gang find themselves in Winter Hollow just before Christmas. The townsfolk aren't celebrating on account of a headless snowman who's being attacking them and destroying their homes. Who could be behind all this anti-Christmas chicanery? Could it be the sheriff, who always seems to arrive on the scene moments after the headless snowman attacks? Or what about the proprietor of the town's Inn? He certainly seems to be profiting off all the mayhem. Could it be the ghost of some long dead highwayman? Or maybe some other character who only shows up halfway through the special? No matter who's behind it, Scooby and the gang are all over this Merry Mystery.

Rating: A comically large sandwich%

(Image from Logopedia)

Marvel Super Hero Adventures: Frost Fight!

Loki's thirst for power sends him on a quest to steal the magical abilities of Jolnir, a figure of legend also known as Santa Claus. Can a handful of Earth's mightiest defenders stop Loki in time and save Santa before Christmas is ruined? You can probably guess. Frost Fight! is definitely aimed at younger viewers with all its bloodless violence and the inclusion of a younger hero-in-training, Reptil, accompanying our marquee heroes on their quest. Most of the heroes are based on their MCU versions, though they make Hulk chattier and they throw in a Carol Danvers Captain Marvel to prevent it from being a total sausage fest. I wouldn't call this special a hidden gem or anything, but if you wanted Rocket Raccoon to sound more like Brad Dourif then you are in luck.

Rating: Gingerbread men%

(Image from IMDB)

The Christmas Invasion

During the classic run of Doctor Who there was really only one instance of the show acknowledging Christmas, and the canonical status of that episode has been heatedly debated ever since. In the middle of the now mostly lost serial The Daleks' Master Plan was an episode called "The Feast of Steven." That particular episode was a complete diversion from the main story, to the point where it wasn't even sold to foreign distributors along with the rest of the serial and thus will likely never be recovered. It aired on Christmas Day in 1965 and at the end of the episode William Hartnell, the First Doctor, turned to the camera and wished everyone at home a Merry Christmas. No one knows for sure if this was part of the script or if Hartnell was merely ad libbing, as it was apparently common practice for BBC shows airing on Christmas Day to directly address the audience. This breaking of the fourth wall has been a thorn in the side of fans who feel the need to understand and justify the show's various disruptions in continuity.

All of this is just a long winded way of saying that when the show was revived in 2005, the idea of a special Christmas episode probably wasn't something anyone was expecting. The revived show initially starred Christoper Eccleston as the Ninth Doctor, though it wasn't very long into his run when it was announced that David Tennant would be taking over the role. The Christmas Invasion was Tennant's first adventure as the Doctor, even though (much like Jon Pertwee) he spent most of that first adventure in bed. The Tenth Doctor, who would go on to become probably the most popular Doctor of the revival series, got a great introduction in this special. He comes off as a real goofball with a deadly serious side. In the end, he chooses to spend Christmas Day with Rose and her family but only after he defeats the leader of an alien invasion in a sword fight and then topples the British government. 

Rating: Not bad for a man in his jim jams%

(Image from Youtube)

Better Watch Out

Better Watch Out is basically Home Alone as wish fulfillment. There's also a bit of Scream in there and, even though I've never seen it, maybe a little bit of Funny Games as well. I'm probably inclined to compare it to other movies because there really isn't anything new or original in it. I'm also not sure if the filmmakers thought they were making a statement about mental illness. I'm not sure what they were thinking or which characters they wanted the audience to root for. Because other than one shot in the last sequence, they seem to be on the side of a homicidal sociopath.

Rating: 51%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Benji's Very Own Christmas Story

I can remember liking Benji as a kid, but I'm not too sure what the attraction was. He can't talk. He doesn't have superpowers. I think he went scuba diving once. Aside from that, I'm at a loss. So, it was with that curiosity that I decided to watch Benji's Very Own Christmas Story. And now, I'm only left with more questions. Benji hardly does anything in the special. Most of the time we're following a creepy Kris Kringle and the helium voiced little people in his employ. They're not all little people though, they mix in quite a few children as well. All of whom are wearing ugly prosthetic ears, noses and mustaches, regardless of gender. Oh, and let's not forget about the culturally insensitive costumes and the children in blackface. So, in the end, no new insights into the Benji phenomenon were gleaned from watching this special.

Rating: A squeaky chew toy%

(Image from Ebay)

Silent Night, Deadly Night 3: Better Watch Out!

When I read the summary for Silent Night, Deadly Night 3, I had to ask myself, "wait, didn't Ricky die at the end of Part 2?" And the answer is, sorta. Ricky's reign of terror in Part 2 ended with him getting shot by the police. But just before the movie went to credits we got a shot of Ricky opening his eyes and smiling, followed by an unmatched shot of a knife being thrust at the camera. So, he lived, sorta. It would seem that Ricky's life was saved by some enterprising doctors who wanted to play God. This involved just barely bringing him back to life and chopping the top of his head off so his brain could be seen through a plastic bubble. Sounds like modern medicine run amok, yes? Well, what if I told you that he's brought back to life by a blind girl with ESP? It doesn't sounds so crazy now does it? No, I didn't think so.

Rating: 34%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Hell Night

Hell Night is the Scooby-Doo of slasher movies and I mean that in the best possible way. It's an 80s college hazing movie set in a creepy old house. A house which may or may not contain a deformed murderer. And all of the protagonists have just come from a costume party. And Linda frickin' Blair is the lead. If I have any complaints, it's that the movie is a little too long. But otherwise, I was pleasantly surprised by this flick.

Rating: 71%

(Image from IMDB)

Green Room

A touring low cash punk band is desperate for some money after a cancelled gig so they agree to do a show for some (ulp) white supremacists. That's a bad move in my opinion, though they do lead off their show with a cover of "Nazi Punks Fuck Off" which is bitchin. They do their show and are about to leave until they witness a murder, and wind up having to fight their way out. It's from the director of Blue Ruin, so you can imaging it's pretty brutal.

RATING: 82%

Happy 10th R3 Halloween!

Insidious: The Last Key

I chose the Insidious series as my Halloween Horror Series 2018© because I figured it hadn't had time to wither like some of the longer running horror series, but they were all just mediocre. I do like that the series eventually gets an old woman as the lead. The plot in this one is there are ghosts! Imagine that. Though there is one cool part where a creepy person they think is a ghost is just the victim of a serial killer. That's a good idea for a movie that they don't stick with at all!

RATING: 61%

Insidious: Chapter 3

A girl tries to contact her dead mother but accidentally winds up in touch with one of those evil demons who wants to possess a living body, you know the kind. When spooky stuff starts happening, the girl's dad gets in touch with the elderly medium from the first two Insidii - obviously this is a prequel since she died in part 1. One of my major gripes with these movies is that most of the scares just come from loud orchestral stings. Like that's cheap as heck!

RATING: 53%

Scary Movie 3

Once upon a time, David Zucker made Airplane! and it was good. Later, he made the Naked Gun movies and they were good. At least at first, there's a real sense of diminishing returns there and that's not even touching on the whole O.J. Simpson thing, which has really made those movies difficult to return to, but I digress. Scary Movie 3 is terrible. It's dumb. It's cheap looking. And it's not funny. But the greatest shame of it all might be that it manages to taint the legacies of Leslie Nielsen and George Carlin, both of whom appear in this movie. Carlin only ever appeared in a handful of films during his career and, regardless of how you feel about Kevin Smith's filmography, this is easily his worst one.

Rating: 42%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Scary Movie 2

The first Scary Movie was a fairly focused parody of 90s slashers, while Scary Movie 2 was aimed more towards supernatural thrillers like The Haunting. It also aimed for the gutter as much as possible. There was some gross out humor in the first Scary Movie, sure, but they really went overboard in the sequel. The opening sequence, which had very little to do with anything that followed, featured a scene of James Woods taking a painful shit, followed by a scene where he, Andy Richter and Natasha Lyonne get covered in wave after wave of vomit. Once again, in the interest of full disclosure, I have to say that I laughed during the part where Anna Faris' character fights the cat puppet. I'll just come right out and say it, if laughing at a cat puppet wielding a broken bottle is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

Rating: 47%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Insidious: Chapter 2

When last we saw our Insidii, the old psychic woman was killed by the husband person who hired her because he got possessed by an evil ghost. This movie is all about having to depossess the guy and get rid of all the ghosts, except now they don't have the powerful psychic woman to help out. The movies just a lotto loud screaming and piano crashes though - not exactly manufacturing lasting dread.

RATING: 33%

Scary Movie

When people say, "they don't make 'em like they used to," it's usually with a sense of nostalgia. When that thought occurred to me while revisiting Scary Movie, it was more like a sense of relief. There's no subtlety in this movie. All of the amps are turned to eleven. But in the interest of full disclosure, I have to admit that I liked this movie when it first came out. I bootlegged it on VHS, because that was a thing we did once upon a time. But much like those magnetic tapes, my appreciation for this movie is a thing of the past.

Rating: 49%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Insidious

Moving into a spooky new house a bunch of scary stuff starts happening after a couple's oldest son gets knocked into a coma. Maybe the house is haunted??? Good guess, but actually it's their comatose son who is haunted! They call up a ghost hunter who happens to be a family friend to deal with the ghostly trouble. Like, in movies people always know somebody who can deal with a haunting! I don't know anybody like that - what am I supposed to do if I'm ever haunted, huh??? Back to the movie, the ghost hunter convinces the father of the haunted kid to take a magical journey to a haunted ghost realm to get his son back, but there are three more Insidii so I bet you can guess things don't all go according to plan.

RATING: 76%

Howling III: The Marsupials

Woof. This one was rough. Howling II was pretty bad, but I still managed to get some laughs out of it. Howling III really only had one moment that made me laugh. And since I don't recommend you watch this movie, I don't mind telling you what it was. Some army dudes come upon the burnt skeletal remains of a werewolf. One of the army dudes gets in close, that's when the smoldering werewolf skeleton comes to life and attacks the guy. It doesn't make any sense, like so much of this film. I'd be surprised if there was an actual script for this movie. And I'd be blown away if anyone actually read it and thought that making it was a good idea.

Rating: 38%

(Image from IMDB)

Halloween II - The Television Cut

There once was a time when you couldn't put nudity, violence, profanity or drug use on television. There were only a few stations back then and even fewer shows than we have access to now. Sometimes those stations would want to show movies. But if the movie they wanted to show featured any scenes of nudity, violence, profanity or drug use, those scenes had to be edited. This was often done very poorly. Nobody knows why. Take for instance, Halloween II. The Television Cut of Halloween II edits or removes every scene from the film that featured nudity, violence, profanity or drug use. You may be thinking, "Wouldn't this ruin the movie, seeing as it's a horror movie and horror movies are pretty much required to have scenes with nudity, violence, profanity and/or drug use?" You'd be right, of course. It pretty much ruins the movie. "Then why would you watch the Television Cut of Halloween II?" you might ask. Well, due to the fact that the movie was going to be much shorter without all of the nudity, violence, profanity and drug use, a number of additional scenes were added to the Television Cut. They're mostly additional scenes of dialogue between the hospital staff. "Was anything cool added?" Nope. "Is it worth going out of my way to see this version of the movie?" No, not really.

Rating: 45%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Halloween II

Halloween II isn't as good as the original Halloween, but how could it be? The music isn't as good as the original. The mask isn't as good as the original. Laurie gets sidelined for the bulk of the movie while she recovers from the injuries she sustained during the original. And it sprinkles in some unnecessary back story which will eventually be purged from the mythology of the series. It just doesn't cut the mustard. It cuts a few throats, sure, but not the mustard. And yet, it's not all bad. I've seen The Curse of Michael Myers and Halloween: Resurrection. It's definitely better than those two movies.

Rating: 70%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Nightmare

A guy who had a terrible childhood trauma (he murdered his parents with an axe - maybe a little more traumatic for them tbh) decides to drive from New York to Florida and kill a buncha people on the way to kill his ex-wife and kids. This movie is famous for being the only "video nasty" (movies deemed by the British government to be harmful to society for violence and forced to make cuts) for which the distributor actually went to jail for refusing to make edits to the violence. I mean good to stick up for your art but also this isn't exactly a terrific movie to spend a year and a half in prison for!

RATING: 47%

Gerald's Game

A couple is trying to revitalize their failing relationship so they go to a remote cabin and do one of those sex games by handcuffing the woman to the bed. But uh oh! The husband has a heart attack and dies, leaving the wife stranded on the bed in the middle of nowhere and with no possibility of help. It's a pretty simple concept with a lotta stressful situations, though I really didn't get the whole last ten minutes where they talk about a serial killer who barely had anything to do with the movie.

RATING: 81%

New Year's Evil

I'll say this about New Year's Evil, the theme song kicks a whole lot of ass. The rest of the movie is alright, I guess. They certainly throw a lot of stuff at the wall, but not all of it really sticks. The plot doesn't really make a whole lot of sense either. At times, it seems like there are two (or three) separate movies going on at the same time. And there's at least one plot thread that doesn't really go anywhere. It's definitely a Cannon film. It's got that vibe. You can imagine that there was a conversation at some point that went something like this: "Friday the 13th made a lot of money. We should make a slasher movie like that." "I know, we can make one called New Year's Evil." "What would it be about?" "I don't know but I can have it ready in a month." "That's good because I've already sold the international distribution rights." ...and scene.

Rating: 55%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Howling II: ... Your Sister is a Werewolf

aka Howling II: Stirba - Werewolf Bitch

Wowzers. This movie is bad. Laughably bad. It's chock full of awful acting, poor dialogue, terrible ADR, gross werewolf sex, repetitive music and nonsensical plot points. It's almost a parody of a movie. It might also be my new favorite bad horror movie. On the plus side you get Christopher Lee dressed up for the most part like he's auditioning to play the Tall Man, except for one great scene where he's wearing a pair of those thin eighties sunglasses. There's also a couple of great werewolf attack/gunfight sequences. But above all, this movie is a must see for the editing. So many cut-away shots to puppets and owls. I tip my hat to the hopped up lunatics who cobbled together this film.

Rating: 42%

(Image from IMDB)

The Lords of Salem

A disillusioned disc jockey in Salem (Massachusetts, please!) gets a record sent in by a band but maybe it's one a those secret message Satan type rock records that hypnotizes women into becoming witches. I think it's good and funny that Rob Zombie, a rock musician probably accused of making "devil music," made a movie playing on those old rumors. It's got some great atmosphere, though for me in this our year 2018 it was hard not to root for these witches. I mean I guess it is too bad they serve some loser like Satan who lives in a poop pit but they're pretty much in control, mostly!

RATING: 89%

Nekromantik

In this notorious German gorefest a young couple is feeling a little bored in their sex life so they decide to spice it up by introducing a rotten corpse into their doing it. You know, German stuff. All the corpse sex stuff is obviously disturbing but this is also one of those movies (like Cannibal Holocaust) that tries to up the ante by showing a real animal get killed. Yeesh, ya didn't have to up the ante from your graphic corpse sex scenes, sleazos! At least it's a professional rabbit farmer this time and not like some repulsed actors coerced into killing a sea turtle like in Cannibal Holocaust. Anyway, I don't exactly know how to rate this movie - it grossed me out and that's what it was going for?

RATING: 50%

Piranha II: The Spawning

aka Piranha II: Flying Killers

Piranha II is not a good movie. At times it can be slow, boring, poorly edited and incoherent. The special effects don't look very good. Some of the effects may even have been re-used from the first movie. And seeing the movie now on blu ray certainly doesn't help hide any of its imperfections. Don't be fooled by the fact that this movie claims to have been directed by James Cameron. While he may have been behind the camera for most of the filming, the blame should fall at the feet of Ovidio G. Assonitis, the man who brought us Tentacles. Cameron was hired to replace the movie's first director but within days of starting on the project Assonitis took control of the film. And while Piranha II is certainly better than Tentacles, it still isn't very good. Also, if you can believe it, there are some reports out there that Lance Henriksen has described his time working on Piranha II as one of the worst experiences he's ever had making a film. Which is hardly surprising, considering they spelled his name wrong in the credits.

Rating: 59%

(Image from Happyotter)