Fa La La La Laagghh!

After finding out about a neighborhood lighting display contest, Carl tricks Steve into helping him deck out the Winslow's roof. Meanwhile, Harriette starts to feel the Christmas Blues after Eddie and Laura are too busy to help her decorate the Christmas tree. Thankfully, Estelle is there to teach everyone a valuable lesson about the true meaning of Christmas. Despite being in the opening credits, Richie does not appear in the episode, nor is he mentioned. Similarly, the great Waldo Geraldo Faldo is also, unfortunately, absent from this episode.

 

Rating: Roller Blades%

The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus

The Great Ak calls the leaders of the Immortals to the Forest of Burzee for a council meeting. His request, bestowing immortality to the mortal known as Santa Claus. To convince the other Immortals, the Great Ak tells them the story of Santa Claus's life and adventures. An adaptation of the book by L. Frank Baum, The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus was Rankin/Bass's final Christmas Special done with stop motion animation. Much like Pinocchio's Christmas and The Leprechaun's Christmas Gold, the animation in The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus is top notch. The character designs are pretty impressive too, especially the evil Awgwas. The plot of the special is complete nonsense, but I wouldn't have expected anything else from Rankin/Bass. 

Rating: Immortality%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Chill Zone

Lawrence Limburger, an evil alien disguised as a rich industrialist, unleashes a horde of snow sucking robots to steal all of the ice in Chicago. And he might have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those pesky Biker Mice from Mars. Watching this episode of Biker Mice from Mars, I was stuck by two things: (1) the show's theme song sucks. It's just wailing cock rock, there's no cool lyrics about the origins of the Biker Mice. And (2) the writing on Biker Mice from Mars is terrible. It's all alliteration and bad puns. There was even a subtle knock against the Ninja Turtles at one point. But, let's face it, there wouldn't have been a Biker Mice from Mars show without the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The Turtles walked so that the Biker Mice from Mars could, I don't know, pop a wheelie or something.

 

Rating: A New Orphanage%

Home Alone 3

While stuck at home with the chicken pox, Alex Pruitt begins to notice some suspicious new people in his neighborhood. Little does he know, at first, that they're actually a group of international thieves who are trying to recover some stolen military tech that had accidentally been picked up by Alex's neighbor, Mrs. Hess. Once the thieves realize that their cover has been blown, they launch an all out assault on Alex's home. You can imagine how that goes. I was sixteen by the time that Home Alone 3 came out, twice the age of the lead character, and the series didn't have the same appeal to me anymore. I might have had more interest in seeing the movie if Macaulay Culkin had been in it but I can't really blame him for turning it down.

Rating: 52%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: Haviland Morris, who played Alex's mother, also played Marla Bloodstone in Gremlins 2: The New Batch.

Max Headroom's Giant Christmas Turkey

I'm old enough to remember Max Headroom and yet I'm not sure that I can properly explain Max Headroom. The short version is that he's a talking (stuttering) head inside a TV who alternates between hosting shows and selling New Coke. What's New Coke? You know what, let's not get into that here. This is supposed to be a review for Max Headroom's Giant Christmas Turkey, a deeply strange and cynical Christmas special that aired in 1986. It has everything you'd expect to see in a Christmas special. It has songs and celebrity guests, like Bob Geldof, Robin Williams and Tina Turner. It has choirs and smiling children. It has gay jokes and Cold War politics. And, I don't know if I mentioned this, it's hosted by a stuttering digital torso inside a television.

 

Rating: Golf Clubs%

Home for Christmas

While on Christmas vacation, Zack Morris bumps into Laura Benton at the mall. Zack tries to impress Laura with some of his trademark charm, but Laura seems reluctant to spend time with Zack or tell him anything about herself. It's only after the gang goes to the hospital to visit a man who collapsed at the mall that they learn the truth, the man is Laura's father and they're both homeless. Saved by the Bell, typically a fairly featherlight show, would occasionally take a stab at tackling serious issues, often with mixed results. "Home for Christmas" handles the issue fairly well, both by acknowledging the main characters' privilege and also their ignorance, with Zack really stepping in it in front of Laura when he suggests that some homeless people are just winos or worse. And while things end up fairly well for Laura and her father, those characters are never seen or mentioned again.

 

Rating: A Sport Coat%

Olive, the Other Reindeer

With Blitzen injured, Christmas is on the verge of being cancelled. But Olive, inspired by mishearing something said by Santa, sets off on an adventure to reach the North Pole and save Christmas. Along the way, Olive teaches everyone she meets a little something about the Christmas Spirit. Olive, the Other Reindeer isn't just an old Dad joke, it's also a children's book and a crudely animated TV special. The animation style is somewhere between Reboot and early South Park. It looks like something an ambitious child might have made. The voice cast features Drew Barrymore, Joe Pantoliano and Ed Asner alongside Dan Castellaneta, Tress MacNeille, Billy West, Tim Meadows and Michael Stipe. Yes, that Michael Stipe. 

Rating: Slippers%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Dickens of a Christmas

In an effort to beat the Summer heat, Doc Brown takes his family and Marty McFly to Victorian England to celebrate a Dickensian Christmas. Doc's sons, Jules and Verne, are forced to become pickpockets after the keys to the DeLorean get stolen. Clara Brown gets thrown into prison for spurning the advances of Ebiffnezer Tannen. And, while Doc searches for his sons, Marty gives Ebiffnezer the full Scrooge treatment. The Back to the Future animated series, which more or less takes place after the events of Back to the Future Part III, is a little odd. It's cool that Mary Steenburgen and Thomas F. Wilson reprise their roles as Clara Clayton Brown and the various members of the Tannen family but it's weird that Christopher Lloyd plays Doc Brown in live-action wraparound segments while Dan Castellaneta does the voice for Doc in the animated portions of the show. Also, I'm just going to assume that the educational segments at the end of the episode featuring Bill Nye the Science Guy were necessitated by some sort of broadcasting regulation.

 

Rating: Wind Up Frankenstein%

(Image from Amazon)

Charlie Brown's Christmas Tales

The original A Charlie Brown Christmas was shown on broadcast television annually from 1965 through 2019. Over the years, as the average length of commercial breaks increased, the special had to be edited down to fit into a thirty minute timeslot. A lot of people weren't too happy about that. So, after ABC acquired the rights to broadcast A Charlie Brown Christmas in the early 2000s, Charlie Brown's Christmas Tales was created as a companion piece that could be aired after the original special in a one hour block of programming. Much like It's Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown, there's no overarching story. Christmas Tales is just another series of holiday themed vignettes.

Rating: Dog Sweater%

(Image from Wikipedia)

A Christmas Story

While the Martins are in Capital City shopping for Christmas presents, Lassie pushes a little girl out of the path of an oncoming truck. The girl is saved but Lassie sustains some serious injuries. Dr. Weaver, reluctant to perform the necessary operation himself, suggests that only one man might be able to save Lassie. But the specialist, Dr. Watkins, cannot be reached. With Lassie injured, this particular episode of Lassie focuses mainly on Timmy and the rest of the Martin family. If you're a dog lover or an old softy like me, this episode will definitely tug at the heart strings. But don't worry folks, this isn't Dragnet, Lassie survives.

Rating: Gingerbread Santy Clauses%

Snowboard Academy

Chris and Paul Barry are complete opposites. Chris lives to shred fresh powder and Paul can't stand his brother's carefree snowboarding ways. With their family's ski resort struggling financially, Chris tries to convince his father that setting up a snowboarding school is just what they need to turn things around. But as soon as things start to improve, the insurance company insists on an inspection and Mr. Barry's estranged wife hatches a plan to sabotage the resort. Despite only being 88 minutes long, Snowboard Academy is a slog. The plot limps along with no sense of urgency. Several characters have terrible, unnecessary accents. And Jim Varney's warmed over Ernest shtick doesn't really work here.

Rating: 50%

(Image from Wikipedia)

State of Decay

While searching for a way out of E-Space, K-9 locates a sparsely populated planet. Even though the scanners detect the presence of high technology, the population seem to be living a medieval existence. After making contact with the peasants, their mysterious lords and a small group of rebels, the Doctor begins to suspect that there might be a sinister force working behind the scenes. Matters are further complicated after it's revealed that Adric, from Alzarius, has stowed away on the TARDIS. State of Decay is a fairly decent serial. It doesn't feel particularly original but it's well executed and moves at a brisk pace.

Rating: The TARDIS is feeling a bit queasy%

Payback

Double crossed and left for dead, Porter returns to the city with vengeance on his mind. He's going to get the $70,000 dollars that was stolen from him, regardless of who he has to kill to get it back. Payback is an old school crime thriller set in an ambiguous city at an ambiguous time. There are muscle cars and femme fatales and all of the phones, even the car phones, have rotary dials. If you seek out Payback today, you'll have your choice of two cuts of the film: a theatrical cut and a director's cut. The theatrical cut has more comedic moments, some voice-over narration and a few choice needle drops on the soundtrack. The director's cut makes Porter a little less sympathetic and features a different ending. Mel Gibson leads the ensemble, which also includes Gregg Henry, Maria Bello, Lucy Liu, David Paymer, Bill Duke, John Glover, William Devane, James Coburn and Kris Kristofferson (in the theatrical cut). Critically, the director's cut seems to be the preferred version of the film, but I'm more inclined to recommend the theatrical cut.

Theatrical Cut

Rating: 71%

Director's Cut

Rating: 65%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy

Dr. Chris Cooper invents a powerful new antidepressant, Gleemonex, which is rushed into production before it can be fully tested. The drug becomes massively popular until Dr. Cooper discovers some disturbing side effects. Like many of the sketches on the Kids in the Hall TV show, Brain Candy can be strange and dark at times. It's a movie about depression and corruption made by a sketch troupe that was in the process of breaking up at the time. Executives at Paramount balked at the inclusion of a character called Cancer Boy and, after the group refused to cut Cancer Boy out of the movie, Brain Candy received a limited theatrical release. It has since gone on to find a cult following.

Rating: 65%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Final Terror

It was supposed to be a fun weekend trip in the wilderness. Hiking, rafting, bonfires and a little bit of the old Mary Jane. But, what the campers didn't know is that they weren't alone in those woods. Something was silently stalking them and it knew the terrain a lot better than they did. Produced by Samuel Z. Arkoff, one of the co-founders of American International Pictures, The Final Terror was meant to capitalize on the success of Halloween and Friday the 13th. Unable to find a distributor, the film was shelved until 1983. Finally garnering a release after some of the cast had gone on to find more legitimate success. Said cast includes Daryl Hannah, Adrian Zmed, Mark Metcalf, Rachel Ward and Joe Pantoliano. Though light on kills and gore, The Final Terror has fantastic locations and an effective killer.

Rating: 64%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Last Slumber Party

A violent psychopath escapes from the hospital and heads to his doctor's home, where the doctor's daughter just so happens to be having a slumber party. What began for the girls as a night of booze and boys will end with body bags and blood stains. Poorly shot, poorly acted and poorly edited, The Last Slumber Party is a pretty shoddy direct-to-video slasher flick. It lacks the charm and basic competency of other low-budget and/or independent horror movies. If you're thinking about watching The Last Slumber Party, maybe don't.

Rating: 49%

(Image from IMDB)

Humanoids from the Deep

aka Monster

In Creature from the Black Lagoon, it's implied that the Creature develops an attraction to Kay, the expedition's bathing beauty. If you're Guillermo del Toro, an idea like that might inspire you to make a movie like The Shape of Water, an Oscar winning romantic fantasy film. If you're Roger Corman, it might inspire you to produce a movie like Humanoids from the Deep, a movie where the creatures "kill all the men and rape all the women." Humanoids from the Deep is the kind of trashy movie that lets you know it's a trashy movie right away. The first victims of the creatures are a kid and a bunch of dogs. And then that's followed up by 80 minutes of explosions and gore. Back in the day, Leonard Maltin gave Humanoids a fairly favorable review and yet still referred to the movie as "gutter trash." He wasn't wrong.

Rating: 70%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Psychic

aka Seven Notes in Black

After seeing visions of a murder, Virginia discovers a skeleton hidden inside the walls of her husband's country home. With the help of a parapsychologist, Virignia tries to unpack her premonitions and find the murderer. Stylish, with a great soundtrack, The Psychic is a fairly straightforward giallo. Despite being directed by Lucio Fulci, the movie, surprisingly, has very little gore. Although a sequence early in the film, where a woman's face is repeatedly smashed against the rocks while she falls down a cliff, goes pretty hard.

Rating: 65%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Phenomena

aka Creepers

If you're wondering whether or not you should check out Phenomena, I can help you make your decision with just six words: Donald Pleasance plays a Scottish entomologist. Chances are you're either tracking down a copy of the movie right now or you don't like cool stuff. No, but seriously folks, Phenomena kinda took me by surprise. I'm not an expert on the films of Dario Argento by any means, but I really enjoyed the atmosphere and the cinematography of Phenomena. It's a weird movie about a girl, played by a young Jennifer Connelly, who tries to use her ability to communicate with insects to solve some murders. The movie's soundtrack is all over the place, switching back and forth between Goblin's funky score and random tracks from Iron Maiden and Motorhead. It's an odd film, for sure, but well worth a watch.

Rating: 72%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Asylum

aka House of Crazies

After arriving at an asylum for the incurably insane, the young Dr. Martin is given a test: interview the asylum's patients and identify which one of them is the former head of the facility, Dr. Starr. Each patient tells Dr. Martin a story about how they ended up at the asylum but, can any of them be trusted? Can anyone at the asylum be trusted? Asylum was one of the more successful releases from England's second biggest (?) name in horror, Amicus Productions. Written by Psycho's Robert Bloch, Asylum has serious Tales from the Crypt vibes. Which is fitting, given that Amicus released two films based on classic EC Comics titles around the same time as Asylum. If horror anthologies are your bag, consider giving Asylum a watch.

Rating: 62%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Child in the Night

A nine-year-old boy witnesses his father being murdered by a mysterious man wielding a hook. As the police and a child psychologist work with the traumatized boy, more bodies with hook wounds begin to turn up. Child in the Night has some slasher elements, most notably the fact that the killer looks an awful lot like the killer in I Know What You Did Last Summer, but it's definitely more of a thriller/murder mystery. Elijah Wood, in an early role, plays the young boy. JoBeth Williams plays the child psychologist, Tom Skerritt plays the gruff Detective Bass and Darren McGavin, from Kolchak: The Night Stalker and A Christmas Story, plays the young boy's grandfather.

Rating: 61%

(Image from IMDB)

Bats

The small town of Gallup, Texas is besieged by a colony of genetically mutated bats. It's up to the town Sheriff and a plucky zoologist to find the bat's roost and put a stop to the killer colony before the bats can spread across the country. Bats is a smorgasbord of b-movie characters and concepts. The trio of main characters are basically the same as the main trio from Tremors. The scientist responsible for creating the mutated bats is pretty much exactly like the scientist from Piranha. The movie's plot is almost identical to Gremlins, with just a hint of Aliens at the end. The bats, when in puppet form, look like Ghoulies. And when they hunt, the bats use the Predator's heat vision. Since the movie came out in 1999, there isn't a whole lot of CGI in the film, which I definitely appreciated. Needless to say, Bats isn't particularly original but, at the end of the day, there are worse ways to spend ninety minutes.

Rating: 62%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Seventh Victim

Mary leaves her boarding school and heads to New York City to look for her missing sister Jacqueline. While chasing down clues, Mary begins to suspect that she never really knew her sister at all. And, the closer Mary gets to finding her sister, the more she begins to uncover about the dangerous people her sister was involved with. The Seventh Victim is another stylish and atmospheric horror film from producer Val Lewton. It's a sinister thriller with a curiously nihilistic undertone. And while it's not on par with Lewton's previous films, it certainly seems like elements from The Seventh Victim might have been influential on films like Psycho and Rosemary's Baby. 

Rating: 65%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Little Shop of Horrors

In an effort to keep his job at the flower shop on skid row, Seymour Krelboined brings in a strange plant he's been growing at home. The plant, dubbed Audrey Jr., proves to be a big hit, bringing customers into the shop from all over. There's only one problem, the plant feeds on human blood. The Little Shop of Horrors is a morbid little comedy from Roger Corman. It's probably best known today as the inspiration for an off-off Broadway musical and the film adaptation of that musical, directed by Frank Oz. Corman's original version was filmed quickly and cheaply, naturally, which gives it a theatrical vibe. Jack Nicholson briefly appears in the film as a masochistic dental patient. 

Rating: 60%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: Audrey, Seymour's co-worker (not the plant), was played by Jackie Joseph. Not only did Jackie Joseph play Mrs. Futterman in Gremlins and Gremlins 2, she also played Tackleberry's mother in law in Police Academy 2 and 4.

The Terror

A mysterious woman lures a young soldier to the Castle von Leppe. The castle holds many secrets. I'm not sure how else to explain it. The Terror isn't really a plot-heavy movie. Most of the film was shot over a couple of days on the set of The Raven. They didn't have much of a script to work from, so a lot of the movie is just characters walking around the castle. Several directors filmed additional scenes for the movie with Roger Corman tying everything together at the end. Well, I mean, he tried to tie it all together. An attempt was made. We can all agree on that.

Rating: 55%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Sissy

An influencer gets invited to her old childhood friend’s bachelorette party but then it turns out her former bully is there! Things take a violent turn and not everyone walks away with sashes and tiaras. It’s also pretty funny, so I do recommend.

RATING: 73%

House of Frankenstein

Dr. Niemann and his hunchbacked assistant Daniel escape from prison with two goals in mind: carry on the work of Dr. Frankenstein and get revenge on everyone who helped put them in jail. To avoid detection, they murder and assume the identities of some travelling showmen who just so happen to have the skeleton of Dracula in their possession. Niemann revives Dracula long enough to kill one of his many enemies but ditches the Count once the law gets on their tail. Soon enough, Niemann and Daniel find and revive the Wolf Man and Frankenstein's monster. From there, Niemann, despite having made various promises to Daniel and the Wolf Man, chooses to spend all of his time working on Frankenstein's monster, which proves to be his own undoing. House of Frankenstein is an interesting but flawed movie. It has the Spider-Man 3 problem where there are too many characters in the movie, many of whom are given short shrift. Boris Karloff and Lon Chaney Jr. are very good in their roles but John Carradine is a little miscast as Dracula. Daniel the hunchback, played by J. Carrol Naish, probably gets the best through line in the movie. 

Rating: 63%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Lamb

A couple farmers deliver a baby from a sheep that turns out to be half human. This is one of those “horror” movies whose purview is mostly just sadness. You’ll feel bad watching it but won’t be scared!

RATING: 67%

The Brides of Dracula

Over shots of the Transylvanian countryside, a narrator tells us that "Count Dracula, monarch of all vampires is dead. But his disciples live on..." And so begins The Brides of Dracula. But, you may be asking yourself, why call it The Brides of Dracula if Dracula isn't even in the movie? Is it even, technically, a Dracula movie? Well, if you want to get pedantic about it, there is some validity to that train of thought. However, given that Van Helsing is in the movie, I think we can give them a pass. Especially since they have Peter Cushing once again taking up the mantle of the fearless vampire hunter. The Brides of Dracula is a relatively small movie, there are maybe only two scenes featuring more than five characters on screen at the same time. It's a little slow and fairly chaste compared to some of Hammer's later movies. But The Brides of Dracula has enough going for it to keep it from being a total slog. The opening sequence has similar vibes to the opening of An American Werewolf in London and there's a great scene where the lead vampire sneaks up on a woman while she's looking in a mirror.

Rating: 64%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Demons

A buncha strangers get free tickets to a sneak preview but it’s put on by demons and instead of free popcorn you get a free murdered. It’s goofy but a lot of fun kills.

RATING: 75%

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

A group of high school students are stalked by a mysterious figure in their dreams. The line between the real world and the dream world begins to blur as their nightmares get more intense and they begin to die off in unexplainable ways. Is it a case of mass hysteria or is there something from their past that has come back to haunt them? It's not surprising that they decided to remake A Nightmare on Elm Street, it's just a shame that they did such a poor job of it. All of the remake's nods to the original movie are very surface level and Freddy doesn't seem to have much of a power set. He can transport himself anywhere in the dream world but he never turns into anything or does anything particularly interesting. The movie opens with all of the main characters in a diner but there's no attempt to establish them on an individual basis. Yes, part of the plot is an investigation into their shared history but it's hard to care about characters that aren't properly introduced or fleshed out. Ultimately, the remake's biggest problem has to be its interpretation of Freddy Krueger. The new makeup design smoothes out Freddy's face, making it impossible to show any expression. And it's only made worse by Jackie Earle Haley's montone line delivery. Much like Freddy's new face, the whole movie ends up being flat and boring.

Rating: 58%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Invaders From Mars

A kid sees a flying saucer crash, and soon evil aliens are taking over every adult in town! It’s pretty decent for a kid friendly sci fi horror flick, even if I hated the ending so, so much (which apparently the 50s version did too).

RATING: 54%

Friday the 13th (2009)

While on the hunt for some weed they hope to steal, Whitney and her obnoxious friends find the dilapidated remains of Camp Crystal Lake. Jason Voorhees promptly murders all of them, or so it would seem. Six weeks later, Whitney's brother Clay searches the area hoping to find his missing sister. Clay ends up crossing paths with Jenna, her preppy prick boyfriend Trent and their obnoxious friends, who are all headed out to a cabin in the woods. What could go wrong? Spoiler alert: it involves more murders.

Rating: 69% (Nice)

(Image from Wikipedia)

Channel 13

This flick, from 80s and 90s straight to video shot on video gurus the Polonia Brothers, was made in 2015 after the surviving brother found some tapes with lost footage. He shot some wraparounds and edited together as an anthology. The lo fi 80s stuff works, but the new footage is obvious and there’s a buncha TikTok sound effects added in which take you out of the 80s vibe.

RATING: 41%

Halloween: Resurrection

Halloween H20 ended with Laurie Strode decapitating Michael Myers, seemingly putting a nice little button on the series. But, as we learn in the opening prologue of Halloween: Resurrection, Michael managed to pull a switcheroo and it was actually a paramedic under the mask that night. Three years later, we catch up with Laurie in a sanitarium, apparently guilt-ridden to the point of unresponsiveness. It turns out, however, that Laurie was just playing psychological possum because when Michael shows up, she has a trap ready and waiting for him. Unfortunately for her, Michael gets the upper hand and Laurie is killed. No need to feel bad for her though because this branch of the continuity will soon be both gone and forgotten. The rest of the movie follows some college kids who have been recruited to explore the old Myers house on Halloween night for a live streaming show called Dangertainment. Their shot at fame and internet glory takes a turn for the worse when Michael comes home. Halloween: Resurrection probably isn't anyone's favorite Halloween movie. But, given that the Rob Zombie and David Gordon Green films that followed it were also met with mixed to poor reception, Halloween: Resurrection might be due for a reevaluation. I'd hesitate to call it underrated, but it's probably not as bad as you remember.

Rating: 63%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Cemetery Man

A graveyard caretaker looks after the lawn and flowers and also has to re kill everyone buried there. Easy peasy until a lady he thinks is pretty gets buried! I mean, in my opinion it should still be the same difficulty because she is a corpse and etc. Really fun movie I’ve been trying to watch again for years and finally it’s streaming.

RATING: 83%

Leprechaun in the Hood

aka Leprechaun 5: In the Hood

Mack Daddy and his associate Slug stumble upon the Leprechaun and his gold in a hidden room. 20 years later, with the help of the Leprechaun's magic flute, Mack Daddy has become a powerful and feared rap music mogul. But all hell breaks loose after a trio of aspiring rappers break into Mack Daddy's place and remove a magic amulet from around the Leprechaun's neck. To give credit where credit is due, Leprechaun in the Hood is better than Leprechaun 4: In Space. It was a pretty low bar to clear, but Leprechaun in the Hood managed to pull it off. It's still a bad movie littered with corny rhymes and tasteless jokes, so it hasn't strayed too far from the other entries in the series but, again, at least it's better than Leprechaun 4: In Space.

Rating: 56%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Contamination

Some space aliens decide to lay eggs on earth and totally rip off Ridley Scott’s Alien for Italian reasons. It’s not good but there’s some fun splatter in it.

RATING: 46%

Tremors 4: The Legend Begins

The town of Rejection, Nevada comes dangerously close to becoming a ghost town after 17 miners mysteriously die in a nearby silver mine. With no one left to work, the mine's owner, Hiram Gummer, comes to Rejection to investigate. What he and the last remaining residents of Rejection soon discover is that strange creatures have infested the area. Tremors 4: The Legend Begins takes the graboid action back to 1889, roughly 100 years before the events of the original Tremors film. Like most of the other sequels in the franchise, Tremors 4 adds a new graboid variation into the mix. In this instance, we see the graboids in an almost larval state. The characters call them Dirt Dragons. This new incarnation eventually evolves into the larger form of graboid we're more familiar with. Also, in case you hadn't already guessed, Michael Gross plays Hiram Gummer, the great grandfather of Burt Gummer, the character he plays in all of the other Tremors films.

Rating: 59%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Alien: Romulus

A poor miner and her robot brother try to escape their planet with a salvaged ship fulla eggs, and not the kind you can benedict! The first two thirds are kind of bland, but the last bit is great.

RATING: 77%

Wrong Turn 3: Left for Dead

A prison transfer gone wrong leaves a cop and some convicts stranded deep in the heart of cannibal country. The practical special effects in Wrong Turn 3 are decent but definitely not as good as the ones seen in the franchise's first two installments. Bad CGI is more prevalent in this entry, which is a disappointment. The acting is fine and, thankfully, none of the characters are particularly annoying this time around.

Rating: 60%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Longlegs

An FBI agent searches for clues in a series of murders that seem totally random. But maybe there’s more to it hm??? People flipped their shit over this but I think if you weren’t raised Capital C Christian it won’t be as scary, though it’s nice to have lots of long unmoving shots every once in a while.

RATING: 76%

Ginger Snaps 2: Unleashed

When we catch up with Brigitte Fitzgerald in Ginger Snaps 2, things are not going well. Having infected herself with her sister's blood, Brigitte is in a race against time to find a cure for her oncoming lycanthropy. Things only get worse for Brigitte after she overdoses on monkshood and finds herself in a remote rehab facility. And, on top of all that, there's another werewolf stalking her from the shadows. Though not as creative as the original film, Ginger Snaps 2 is a pretty enjoyable sequel. Once again, the practical effects and stylish camerawork do a lot of heavy lifting. But, this time around, they're aided by some great locations, some genuinely funny gags, and some distinctly Canadian elements. I don't know that I necessarily loved the ending of the film, but I didn't regret taking the journey.

Rating: 66%

(Image from Wikipedia)

MaXXXine

Well, the lone survivor from X has made it in Hollywood! As a porn star anyway. But hey why not try and break into the mainstream, that’s what the lady who killed all her friends wanted. It’s flashy and fun but nowhere near as good as Pearl.

RATING: 71%

The Omen

In an effort to keep his wife from finding out that their newborn baby has died, an American diplomat adopts a child and tries to pass it off as his own. He might have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for the fact that the adopted child is the motherfuckin' Antichrist. Since it's from the 70s, The Omen can be a bit of a slow burn at times but it's a surprisingly well made movie. The cinematography is incredible, with stylish uses of slow motion and reflections. The music is really good, alternating between big orchestral pieces, ominous choral arrangements and creepy synths. And they do a great job making you believe that the kid who plays Damien is hella evil.

Rating: 76%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: Father Brennan is played by Patrick Troughton, Doctor Who's Second Doctor.

Police Academy: Mission to Moscow

A new addictive video game out of Russia has become a worldwide phenomenon. Authorities suspect that the man behind the game, Konstantine Konali, is actually a crime boss using the game to launder money from his illegal activities. Desperate to apprehend Konali, the Russians bring in Commandant Lassard and some of his most trusted associates. If the Police Academy franchise was feeling a little tired during City Under Siege, Mission to Moscow finds the series on life support. All of the charm and style of the Police Academy films has been replaced with subpar Hot Shots parody and shameless Three Stooges rip-offs. Jones, Tackleberry and Callahan return alongside Captain Harris, who's suddenly become a surveillance expert, and Cadet Kyle Connors, who joins the mission thanks to a clerical error. The cast includes Ron Perlman as Konstantin Konali and Christopher Lee as Commandant Rakov.

Rating: 50%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Full Circle

While travelling to Gallifrey, the TARDIS passes through a Charged Vacuum Emboitment, sending the Doctor and his companions out of their own universe and into the Exo-Space-Time Continuum, aka E-Space. What does that mean exactly? That's not entirely clear yet. But what is clear is that instead of ending up on Gallifrey, the TARDIS arrives on a planet called Alzarius, where a strange phenomenon called Mistfall has begun. With the help of a brilliant young Alzarian named Adric, the Doctor begins to unpack the myths of Mistfall. Full Circle is a pretty entertaining serial. The script is good, the characters are interesting and the effects are fairly decent. The E-Space element of the plot isn't particularly well defined but the rest of the story is engaging enough that it never becomes a distraction.

Rating: This isn't Gallifrey%

A Better Tomorrow

Ho and his brother-in-arms Mark are high ranking members of a Hong Kong criminal organization. But, at the urging of his father, Ho agrees to leave his crimial life behind after one last job. Ho winds up getting double crossed and spends the next three years in prison. After getting out, Ho tries to rebuild trust with this brother Kit, who has since become a cop. While Mark feels betrayed that Ho has turned his back on their criminal ways and Shing, a former protégé who's gone on to become the head of the criminal organization, refuses to let Ho go straight. A Better Tomorrow is the epic first collaboration of John Woo and Chow Yun-fat. Though overshadowed by their future collaborations, A Better Tomorrow is a two-fisted action extravaganza that helped set the template for modern action cinema. Chow Yun-fat exudes boat loads of charisma as Mark and the success of the film helped him shed his early reputation as "box office poison."

Rating: 85%

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Explorers

In his dreams, Ben sees the layout of a strange circuit board. Using a sketch of the circuit board, Ben's genius friend Wolfgang is able to create a machine that generates an electromagnetic bubble. Together with their new friend Darren, the boys build a spaceship and set off on an adventure that takes them out of the suburbs and beyond their wildest imaginations. Directed by Joe Dante, Explorers is a science fiction fantasy adventure film. Ben and Wolfgang are played by Ethan Hawke and River Phoenix in the feature film debuts. Rushed into production and released before it could be properly completed, Explorers isn't entirely successful. It feels very much like a movie trying to recreate the vibe of E.T. But, like many of Joe Dante's other films, Explorers has since gone on to find a cult audience.

Rating: 62%

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Fun Fact: Jason Presson, who played Darren, also played one of the yogurt shop employees in Gremlins 2: The New Batch.

Ninja Academy

A gaggle of screw-ups and oddballs sign up for a weeklong martial arts training camp. But when the camp is attacked by their sensei's rivals, the trainees are forced to put their new skills to the ultimate test. Ninja Academy is a fairly straightforward rip-off of Police Academy. The martial arts portions of the film are well done. The comedy portions, not so much.

Rating: 58%

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