Ice Sharks

A group of research scientists in Antarctica are menaced by an evolved breed of killer sharks, Ice Sharks. Right off the bat, I will give the movie credit for using an unusual breed of shark, the Greenland shark, for its purposes. But that's about all the credit I can give. The plot is dumb, no surprise there. The acting is second-rate, also to be expected. But the CGI in the movie is a special kind of awful. It's laughably bad. It's the kind of bad CGI you might have seen in something from the 90s. But then again, it's a lot like what the comedian Richard Jeni once said about Jaws: The Revenge, the only people dumber than the people who made the movie are the people who watched it.

Rating: 39%

(Image from IMDB)

Monsters - "The Moving Finger"

 

In this episode of the cheapass follow-up to the great 80s show "Tales from the Darkside," a super long finger pops out of a bathroom sink to irritate a nice tall guy. I don't remember the Stephen King story exactly but I guess this is fine?

RATING: 41%

Robot

Someone or something has been stealing top secret scientific plans and parts. With UNIT and Sarah Jane Smith investigating, it soon becomes clear that a group of scientists and an advanced robot are behind it all. Their plan: blackmail the world's superpowers using some stolen nuclear missile launch codes. Robot comes across as a typical Third Doctor story and yet it's clear right away that things have changed. Having traded his frilly shirts and Venusian aikido for an absurdly long scarf and a Cheshire Cat grin, the Fourth Doctor's chaotic whimsy lends the proceedings a burst of energy. And, at the end of the serial, as the Doctor, Sarah Jane and the newest companion Harry Sullivan board the TARDIS, Doctor Who effectively ends the UNIT era and the Doctor's Earthly exile.

Rating: You may be a Doctor, but I am the Doctor%

Golden Years

 

A janitor working at that same company (The Company) that turned the little girl from Firestarter into a fire starter gets zapped by an explosion and starts getting younger. Apparently Stephen King saw Twin Peaks and wanted to make something similar, but with a little less fever dream. Well buddy I gotta say that I think the fever dream aspect is a real big part of what makes Twin Peaks so good! 

RATING: 34%

Sometimes They Come Back

 

An English teacher with an embattled past (like, of course - he's an English teacher) comes back to his home town to teach high school, only the ghosts of some 1950s jerks who murdered his brother start showing up and murdering his students. It's pretty well done for a TV movie, and fairly faithful to the short story, though they changed the story's great ending with sympathetic magic in the classroom to a more action packed finale. I "get it" but it's still a real shame!

RATING: 67%

Misery

 

A famous author of schlocky romance novels gets in a snowstorm accident where he almost dies but he is luckily rescued by his number one fan, how sweet! Except, uh, maybe she's a little less than stable, and upset that he killed off her favorite character (named Misery) in his newest novel? Kathy Bates steals the show obviously but I wonder if Stephen King regrets that he never got success in the world of so-called "high literature." He's got several novels where the main character is a writer who laments their commercial success over critical success, and there's a ton of asides in IT about creative writing workshops. Like, sorry for all your international acclaim as perhaps the best known writer of our time? You'd rather have like a National Book Critics Circle award sticker on the cover of your unread books in a bargain bin?

RATING: 78%