Nightmare City

aka City of the Walking Dead

Nightmare City is, technically, not a zombie movie. Umberto Lenzi, the director, wanted people to think of it as a "radiation sickness" movie. It has a lot in common with The Crazies and The Return of the Living Dead. The ghouls in the movie look a lot like the Toxic Avenger. They don't eat flesh like a zombie would, but they do drink the blood of the living. And while they are not opposed to biting people, they're just as likely to stab or shoot their victims. Since this is an Italian horror movie, it should come as no surprise that it has a funky score and lots of goopy gore. There are also a number of particularly dangerous looking stunts in the movie. And there's even an eye gouging sequence that almost rivals the splinter scene in Lucio Fulci's Zombie. The ending sucks though.

Rating: 65%

(Image from TMDB)

IT

 

An ancient cosmic fear monster terrorizes/murders kids in a small Maine town, so the local cadre of misfit preteens decides to stop it in 1960 and again in 1990. For a basically PG-13 rated TV-movie this is pretty well done. Though (SPOILERS) I do think it's a little bunk that while everybody goes out and gets rich the black kid has to stay behind to be a poor local historian and the Jewish kid kills himself before taking on It the second time. 

RATING: 60%

The Invisible Man

A lot of the Universal Monsters inspire sympathy, not the Invisible Man. He's a straight-up murderous asshole. He's the kind of guy who can calmly sit in a study and say to someone, "we'll begin with a reign of terror." He goes from zero to murder in no time at all. Having been driven mad by the chemicals in his formula, the Invisible Man spends most of his time lashing out at colleagues and simple townsfolk. At one point, he even knocks over a baby carriage. A baby carriage, for God's sake.

Rating: 69%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Graveyard Shift

 

In this completely forgettable adaptation of a completely forgettable Stephen King short story, some rats in a local cotton mill are wilding out because of their rat boss, a giant flying rat. Hey isn't a flying rat just a bat? That's what the Germans would have me believe anyway. Anyway who gets called in to solve the monster problem? A salvage crew of course!

RATING: 44%

Deadly Friend

There are two things in Deadly Friend that really stand out. The first is BB, the robot. BB looks like a shittier version of Johnny 5 from Short Circuit and sounds like R2D2, if R2D2 had been voiced by Stripe from Gremlins. The other thing that really stands out in the movie is the scene where Kristy Swanson's character throws a basketball at Anne Ramsey's head and her head blows up real good. It's almost as good as the exploding head in Scanners, almost. And even though Deadly Friend's exploding head has been meme'd to death, the best part of the scene is actually what happens right after the explosion.You get to see the headless body run around the room spurting blood for a few seconds before it flops to the floor. It might have been my favorite part of the movie.

Rating: 59%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Tales From the Darkside: The Movie

 

In this anthology, based on George Romero's TV show I've always wanted to see but it's never available to stream or rent, there are three little tales of horror/irony, including a mummy one, an evil cat one, and a gargoyle one. There's also a cannibal Debbie Harry wraparound one. The best one (and the one Stephen King and George Romero wrote) is "The Cat From Hell," in which an unscrupulous pharmaceutical dude hires a hit man to kill a cat he's convinced is trying to kill him. The one they clearly spent all their FX budget on though is the last one, which is also the most boring. Anyway, it's an ok if very 90s anthology if you want to see an extremely young Steve Buscemi, Julianne Moore, and Christian Slater.

RATING: 63%

Shivers

aka They Came from Within

Only minutes away from downtown Montreal, the Starliner Towers apartment complex has everything you could possibly need. Cable television in every room, an Olympic size swimming pool, onsite health care professionals, and parasites that send you into a sex crazed fury. Cronenberg's first commercial feature film, if you can call it that, proved to be both successful and controversial. Many critics balked at the film's combination of sex and violence. Some Canadian critics were especially upset that the film had received some of its funding from the federal government. The movie shares some similarities with Cronenberg's following film, Rabid, along with movies like Invasion of the Body Snatchers and The Crazies. Personally, the thing that surprised me most about the film was a car crash stunt that seemed just a little too realistic.

Rating: 65%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Pet Sematary

 

A family moves to rural Maine just off a busy highway where they befriend Herman Munster, who helpfully directs the father to a secret resurrection burial ground whenever the family cat dies. The cat comes back, the very next day even, except it stinks and is extra jerky because of going against the laws of God and nature and science and etc. Hey I'd still do it to bring back any of my dead cats. As you can guess, the movie is not just about bringing pets back from the dead whenever the family's toddler is killed by a semi truck in a wild example of poor parenting. First, they shoulda put a fence around their yard as soon as the kid was almost hit by a truck months earlier. Second, the kid runs like 50 yards toward the busy road while the whole family watches and it only dawns on them to try and stop him when they see a truck in the distance. Anyhoo, the kid dies and is buried and his dad is like hmm, maybe I'll dig him up and try that titular sematary again. In movies and shows people are always digging up graves but I hope I never have to do it - it seems like hard work! The kid comes back a little jerkier and killier and nobody lives happily ever after but at least Denise Crosby gets in the last... jab.

RATING: 78%

Brain Damage

Brain Damage is a wildly original and inventive horror/exploitation movie. It's goofy and gross. It's trippy and tragic. It's clever and crass. The special effects, which are clearly low budget, are fantastic. Some of the acting in the movie is bad and broad, but the performances from the lead actor and Elmer the talking parasite are quite good. There is, however, one scene in the movie (quite possibly the most infamous scene in the film) which features an act of sexualized violence that is so over the top and cruel that it honestly tainted my overall enjoyment of the movie. Caveat emptor.

Rating: 68%

(Image from IMDB)

The Running Man

 

In the distant future of (checks notes) 2019 the evil government frames a dude who wouldn't kill a bunch of innocent civilians in a food riot and sentences him to go on a game show where he fights... to the death! It's peak Arnold one-liner land, which isn't to say they're all winners, but even the bad ones are so unzing they work (hey lighthead!). And really, who, in a life or death situation with the fate of the country at steak would just make relentless pithy jokes, anyway? Oh right, memes.

RATING: 70%

Check out Creepshow 2 here!

Strange Behavior

aka Dead Kids

There's something wrong with the kids at Galesburg University. Instead of turning up for class, they keep turning up... dead. The police are baffled. The bodies are piling up. And no one, NO ONE, is safe.

Dead Kids

Rated R

Strange Behavior is both a slasher flick and a mad scientist movie, with hints of early Cronenberg and De Palma thrown in the mix. It's supposed to take place in rural Illinois, but it was clearly filmed in New Zealand. The pacing is a little slow and the narrative unfolds somewhat haphazardly, but it remains fascinating to watch. Well shot and scored, with an effective balance of tension and atmosphere.

Rating: 65%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: Scott Brady, who played Shea, played Sheriff Frank in Gremlins.

The Twilight Zone - "Gramma"

 

A kid is left home with his sickly grandmother that he's a little scared of - like, duh! Check out that picture! There's a lot of distracting internal monologuing that screenwriter Harlan Ellison decided to have the characters think aloud, but pretty decent dread from a mostly forgettable Stephen King story.

RATING: 53%

Don't Go in the Woods

aka Don't Go in the Woods... Alone!

Don't Go in the Woods is, essentially, about four campers getting stalked by a maniac in the mountains. And if I were to describe the movie in one word, that word would be "amateurish." Bad acting, crappy music, incomprehensible action, incompetent camerawork, and strained attempts at humor. The folks at Troma and the Asylum can rest easy knowing they make better movies than Don't Go in the Woods. In the interest of full disclosure, I did enjoy the scenery and one of the sets. Run, don't walk, away from this movie.

Rating: 42%

(Image from IMDB)

Stand By Me

 A group of four preteen boys hear about a kid's dead body and decide to hike to it in order to be heroes and/or get on tv. Along the way they learn a little bit about life and struggle and puking after a pie eating contest. It's got a great set of 80s kid actors (River Phoenix, Wil Wheaton, Corey Feldman, and Jerry O'Connell) who do a real good job goofin and cryin. I do question the frame of the author writing about this adventure, though - what does that add to the story? The ability to tell us who lived and who died? Like, why not add a narrator to a movie about King Arthur? "Everybody died a thousand years ago, deep." Also as a kid my neighbor and I used to blast the oldies soundtrack to this flick while drawing our own versions of Wacky Packages.

RATING: 83%

The Spider

aka Earth vs the Spider

As far as giant insect movies from the 50s go, The Spider is average at best. It's really only notable because it was produced, directed and featured special effects created by Bert I. Gordon. Gordon was one of the many B-movie auteurs of the 50s and 60s. His gimmick was big stuff. Big monsters, big people, big bugs. You get the idea. He used a lot of process shots, rear projection and forced perspective tricks. He wasn't known for his screenplays, if you hear what I'm saying. It's fitting that The Spider was one of several Bert I. Gordon films featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000. It was practically tailor-made for the MST3K format.

Rating: 59%

(Image from IMDB)

Maximum Overdrive

 

A comet's tail covers Earth in space dust, bringing all machines to life! Well, not *all* machines, since a gun is a machine and those seem fine, but probably best not to think about whatever spurious iotas of science may or may not exist here. A rag tag group of strangers including Lisa Simpson, Gus Fring, and Emilio Estevez wind up trapped by a bunch of 18 Wheelers in a truck stop, sort of like a car version of Night of the Living Dead. People (including Stephen King, who wrote, adapted, and directed the movie) hate this one, but I think it's great - it'll kill anyone (including children), and the broad daylight that most of the movie takes place during gives it a very different feel than any other 80s horror flick. 

RATING: 79%

Dagon

A boating accident leaves a young couple stranded in a remote Spanish fishing village. Right away, the couple notices that the locals all look and sound rather strange. Something fishy seems to be going on, literally. If you're familiar with Stuart Gordon's adaptations of H.P. Lovecraft's stories, it should come as no surprise that this movie quickly gets weird, gross and sexual. The practical special effects still look pretty good but the CGI in this movie has not aged well.

Rating: 62%

(Image from IMDB)

Silver Bullet

 

A vicious serial killer is terrorizing a small town, but if that's not bad enough what if it's a werewolf kind of serial killer cuz it is! Of course the only person who believes that is a troublemaking kid with a souped up wheelchair and his drunk uncle. In movies they're always melting down jewelry to make silver bullets but how pure exactly does the silver bullet have to be to work? Couldn't it just be silver tipped to save some money?

RATING: 68%

Cat's Eye 

Killer Crocodile

You get to see a lot of the crocodile in Killer Crocodile. A surprising amount, really. There's a daytime shot of the crocodile in the first minute of the movie. In fact, there are a lot of daytime shots of the crocodile. There are a lot of closeup shots as well. They don't make the crocodile look any more believable but, at the same time, it was honestly refreshing to see a Jaws rip-off that showed off so much of its killer critter. And it's quite fitting to call this a rip-off, John Williams should have sued the pants off the people behind this one.

Rating: 60%

(Image from IMDB)

Tales From the Darkside - "Word Processor of the Gods"

 

A writer with such an awful life is gifted a word processor (an old shitty computer that only had like Microsoft Works) by his dead computer whiz nephew. Turns out anything he types comes true, which is good for him because it allows him to erase his nagging wife and guitar playing son without a second thought! I haven't read the short story in a quarter century or so but I don't remember it being so nihilistic.

RATING: 48%

Pit and the Pendulum

After the success of House of Usher, American International Pictures (AIP) were eager to make another movie based on the works of Edgar Allan Poe. Roger Corman, using many of the same people (and sets), brought Pit and the Pendulum to theaters a little more than a year after House of Usher was released. With Vincent Price, once again, top billed, Pit and the Pendulum continued the moody, gothic style of House of Usher. Pendulum tweaked the formula somewhat with psychedelic silent film techniques and slightly more sadistic and shocking violence. It would go on to be even more successful than House of Usher, prompting AIP to double down on Corman's Poe gamble. AIP and Corman would go on to make another six* Poe-inspired films over the next three years.

Rating: 66%

(Image from IMDB)

*seven, if you count 1963's The Terror

Firestarter

 

When I was ten and "not allowed to read Stephen King" I borrowed this book from a friend and felt like a real little badass secretly reading it at night, except I only got like 50 pages in because it was tres boring. It's about a little girl who has pyrokinetic superpowers and the government is after her and her pops because she's very dangerous and or useful. I am not supposed to think this, but I do kinda agree with the evil government agency here - you can't have some eight year old with anger issues just wandering around blowing things up with her brain! Much like the book the movie is mostly boring except for an amazing final action scene where the little girl totally loses her shit on some secret agents. 

RATING: 61%

Children of the Corn: Runaway

If I was feeling generous, I would tell you that Children of the Corn: Runaway isn't so much a horror movie as it is a psychological thriller. A methodical, minimalist meditation on trauma and family. A rustic, windswept tone poem. And if I wasn't feeling generous, I would tell you that the movie is a total snooze fest. A bare bones bore. Just another unnecessary entry in an already lackluster franchise. "It's not good," I would say. "I wish they would stop making these."

Rating: 49%

(image from IMDB)

Children of the Corn

 A couple is taking a shortcut through the rural back roads of Nebraska when they hit a child with their car, yikes! Don't worry, though, the kid was already murdered when they hit him, they swear, officer. When they try to get help they wind up in a quaint little town where all the kids have murdered the adults so they can have their own quasi Christian corn cult. I think there's some kind of creature but the effects of the movie limit it to some flashing lights that eat up whoever's being sacrificed. In movies whenever a couple rescues a kid from some horrible traumatic thing they're always like "you can stay with us now!" Like I know you just went through some serious shit but you gotta at least fill out a form or two for that to happen! 

RATING: 57%

Quammy's Take

Christine

A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child

According to some very cursory internet research, A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child has the lowest body count of the entire Elm Street franchise. Only three horny teens get killed in the movie. Freddy still manages to get lots of screen time though. He's big and cartoony in the movie, punctuating most of his sentences with, "bitch!" The plot, so much as there is one, hinges on Freddy using Alice's unborn baby to reach more victims. There's also some callbacks to story elements introduced back in Dream Warriors. The effects hold up pretty well. The series is definitely past its prime by this point, but Dream Child is still watchable.

Rating: 67%

(Image from IMDB)

The Dead Zone

 A school teacher gets coma'd by a car accident and when he wakes up five years later his daggum girlfriend has left him and is married with a kid. Also he's got the ability to see the future by touching a person, a common side effect. He uses said power for the usual - stopping needless deaths, solving a serial killing, and preventing a murderous populist presidential candidate from destroying the whole planet Earth. 

RATING: 74%

Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers

If you thought Dr. Loomis and Michael Myers died in the explosion at the end of Halloween II, then Halloween 4 is here to tell you, "it wasn't as bad as it looked. They're doing just fine." The Halloween franchise never was a stickler for continuity. 1988's The Return of Michael Myers plays out almost like a remake of the original Halloween, except in this movie everyone believes Dr. Loomis and takes the threat of Michael Myers seriously. Halloween 4 also amps up the action with lots of guns and explosions. The movie ends with Michael being gunned down by cops and then falling into a mine shaft, which then collapses on top of him. And, as we all know, the only way a guy could survive something like that would be if, say, a hobo came upon his body and, like, nursed him back to health over a period of months or something. And, I mean, what are the chances of that happening?

Rating: 68%

(Image from IMDB)

Cujo

 

A nice dog gets bit by a rabid bat and turns into a not so nice dog. Well I coulda guessed that, his name is Cujo! Oh, this movie/book established that name as the evil dog standard, oops. The movie has a sort of modern independent horror feel because most of it is a mother and her toddler stuck in a Pinto as they are terrorized by the dog. The kid is a really good actor too - instead of that cliche "mommy I'm scared" sorta thing he is just screaming and hysterical the whole time. Once I was nannying a kid and I heard a woman screaming for help so we walked over and a dog had chased her up on top of a car. Dogs are scary! But I probably shouldn't have walked over to help a screaming woman while holding a three year old even though everybody was ok in the end. Anyway even though he's a murderer you gotta feel bad for Cujo - it's not his fault his owners didn't get him a rabies shot after he got bit by a bat. 

RATING: 71%

The Shining

Creepshow

Critters 3

Tagline: You are what they eat

Critters 3... Which one is that one? Oh, that's right. It's the one that has Leonardo DiCaprio in it. It was his first movie. And even though that's a piece of film trivia he'd probably love if we all forgot, he's really only a side character in the movie. The lead of Critters 3 is Annie, a young woman struggling to keep her family safe after some Critter eggs hatch in their apartment building. In some ways, it's a lot like *batteries not included. Except, of course, in this case the aliens are trying to murder the building's residents. But, other than that, they're very similar movies. 

Rating: 63%

(Image from IMDB)

Salem's Lot

 

An author returns to a town he lived in a couple years as a kid in order to write about a spooky old house. Turns out the spooky old house is filled with damn vampires! Well, a vampire, but he keeps making new vampires. It's a two part TV miniseries so watching its three hours in one go is a bit, hmmm, excruciating, but I thought the vampire kids scratching at the window was scary. 

RATING: 53%

Check out Carrie here!

Prom Night II

aka Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II

Prom Night II was never supposed to be Prom Night II. The movie was originally called The Haunting of Hamilton High. It was only after some extensive reshoots that it became part of the Prom Night franchise. But despite the reshoots and new title, the final product has almost nothing to do with the original Prom Night. And I couldn't be happier about it. Not since Howling II have I seen a movie so utterly and hilariously bizarre. I'll give it this, it's never boring. Any time you think things are about to get predictable, the movie takes a very strange turn. A lot of really strong, strange choices were made during the various stages of production on this movie and I applaud those choices. Bravo, you maniacs. Bravo.

Rating: 52%

(Image from IMDB)

Leprechaun

Leprechaun is basically the poor man's Critters. It repeatedly rips off Gremlins, it's kinda corny and it looks cheap. That said, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It wasn't good by any means, but it also wasn't terrible. Was it poorly written? Yes. Was it poorly lit? Very much so. Did the costumes fit the actors? Not always. And it also wouldn't have been weird if the movie had been bookended with appearances from the Crypt Keeper. But other than that, it was reasonably tolerable. And you can quote me on that. It's probably safe to assume that the franchise doesn't get any better from here.

Rating: 58%

(Image from IMDB)