Time-Flight

The Doctor and his companions are tasked with finding a Concorde that has gone missing. When they trace the flight path of the Concorde, they’re whisked back in time approximately 140 million years. They soon find the missing plane and its passengers, but all is not what it seems. A mysterious conjurer named Kalid rules over the area with powerful psychic abilities. But even Kalid is not what he appears to be and, before long, the Doctor and the Master are pitted against each other in a showdown that could leave one of them stuck in the past forever. Time-Flight doesn’t have a great reputation, and I can sort of understand why. It’s not great. It’s not terrible but it’s not very well thought out either. Several times during the story, someone will ask the Doctor to explain what’s going on and all he’ll say is, “I’ll explain later.” There is, however, a pretty good sequence in the second episode where Tegan and Nyssa are confronted by some illusions meant to deter them from finding the citadel’s inner sanctum. One of which is a vision of Adric, seemingly back from the dead.

Rating: I've always found domination such an unattractive prospect%

Red Heat

East meets West when a Russian Police Captain travels to Chicago to extradite a Soviet drug smuggler. After his prisoner escapes, the stoic Captain Danko is paired with Chicago’s least finest, Detective Ridzik. Much like Walter Hill’s 48 Hrs., Red Heat is a buddy cop story featuring two leads who can barely stand one another. Unfortunately for Red Heat, neither Schwarzenegger nor Belushi have the comedic chops of Eddie Murphy. Still, the movie moves at a brisk pace, and the action set pieces all work well. The supporting cast includes performances from Peter Boyle, Laurence Fishburne and Gina Gershon.

Rating: 64%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Sure Thing

Walter Gibson and Alison Bradbury couldn’t be more different. She’s a studious pragmatist and he’s more of a slacker goofball. But the two become reluctant travel companions over Christmas break when they try to get from their snowy New England college campus to sunny California. The Sure Thing is a romantic comedy in the grand tradition of classic films like It Happened One Night, just with more pork rinds this time around. The leads are charmingly played by Daphne Zuniga and a particularly fresh-faced John Cusack. Anthony Edwards and Tim Robbins also appear in the film in memorable supporting roles.

Rating: 73%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Just Before Dawn

Five young friends head up into the mountains for a camping trip. The forest ranger warns them it's not safe, but they choose to go up anyway. Before long, their weekend of fun turns into a fight for survival. Just Before Dawn isn't exactly an original film. It's got elements of The Hills Have Eyes and just about any other backwoods slasher you could name. However, it's still an entertaining slasher flick. The settings are incredible, the cast is decent and the music is on point. Above all, the movie has a good command of atmosphere. So, even though the pacing slows way down in the middle of the film, it still keeps your attention.

Rating: 70%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: Gregg Henry, who played Warren, was also in Payback and Brian De Palma's Body Double.

The Dorm That Dripped Blood

aka Pranks

Over the holiday break, a small group of students stay behind on campus to help clear out an old dormitory. One by one, they're attacked and killed by an unseen assailant. The Dorm That Dripped Blood is a fairly bog-standard slasher. The setting is pretty good, with lots of creepy old stairwells, steam tunnels, and abandoned rooms. Unfortunately, much like The Prowler, a little too much time is spent exploring these locations. The kills are decent, with plenty of blood and some gnarly gore in the uncensored directors' cut. The pacing is off though. The killer's reveal comes too early, which ends up derailing most of the suspense in the third act. The cast is fairly forgettable, except for Daphne Zuniga, who makes her debut here.

Rating: 54%

(Image from IMDB)

The House That Dripped Blood

An Inspector from Scotland Yard travels to the country to investigate the disappearance of a movie star. The local police believe that the house the movie star was renting might have something to do with his disappearance. Both the police and the house's rental agent tell the inspector stories of the house's previous tenants and all the strange things that befell them. First is the story of a writer who begins to suspect that his characters have come to life and may be plotting to kill those close to him. Second is the story of a retiree who becomes obsessed with a figure at the local wax museum. Then comes the story of a father and his sheltered daughter, who might be more than she appears to be. And finally, the story of the movie star who suspects a cloak he bought from a mysterious costume shop might be turning him into a vampire. The House That Dripped Blood is a pretty good anthology with a great cast, including Denholm Elliott, Peter Cushing, Christopher Lee, Jon Pertwee (aka The Third Doctor) and Hammer hottie Ingrid Pitt.

Rating: 63%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Manhattan Baby

aka Eye of the Evil Dead

On a trip to Egypt with her archaeologist father, a young girl is given an amulet by a strange woman. At the same time, while exploring a mysterious tomb, her father is blinded by some mystical lights. After returning home to New York, the young girl and her brother begin acting odd and people close to the family start to disappear. Lucio Fulci's Manhattan Baby isn't a particularly straightforward movie. The tone is all over the map and it's difficult to follow at times. It's also a little boring. The music is occasionally loud and discordant but will lapse into jazzy saxophone noodling from time to time to remind the audience that the movie is taking place in New York. There's very little blood and gore in the movie, except for a sequence where a man is attacked by some stuffed birds. Yes, you read that correctly, stuffed birds. It's actually kinda cool.

Rating: 52%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Tenebrae

aka Unsane

Everyone loves Peter Neal's new novel, Tenebrae, but someone has taken their love of the book too far. A series of murders, inspired by the novel, leave the police scratching their heads. But, after the killer starts sending notes to him, Peter decides to start looking for the murderer himself. Dario Argento's Tenebrae is a return to straightforward giallo after the supernatural themed films Suspiria and Inferno. The atmosphere and cinematography in Tenebrae are on point, which shouldn't be too surprising. And the score is fantastic. The main theme slaps, as I assume the kids would say.

Rating: 73%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Munchies

While on an archeological expedition in Peru with his father, aspiring comedian Paul Watterman discovers a small alien creature. At first, the alien appears to be friendly, so the pair bring it back to the US. But after being kidnapped and mistreated by Paul's uncle, the alien's violent side emerges. And, as is soon discovered, any attempts to kill the alien are either ineffective or cause it to multiply. With a growing gaggle of would-be Gremlins causing havoc all over town, the race is on to stop the Munchies before it's too late. Produced by Roger Corman, Munchies is an unabashed Gremlins rip-off. It's very cheap looking and not nearly as funny as it thinks it is. The Munchie puppets aren't particularly expressive or impressive, much closer to a Ghoulie than a Gremlin.

Rating: 53%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: Robert Picardo and Wendy Schaal, who played the ice cream shop owners that got attacked by the Munchies, were both in The 'Burbs as well as a number of other Joe Dante films.

Piranha (1995)

In the 1990s, Roger Corman produced more than two dozen movies for the premium cable network Showtime. A number of which were remakes of films that he had either produced or directed himself. The remake of Joe Dante's Piranha is notable because it reuses most of the special effects footage from the original film. While watching the remake, it's pretty clear that most of the footage filmed above water is new, while almost all of the footage underwater is from the original. A lot of the script has also been taken verbatim from the original as well. The plot is virtually the same, hitting all of the same beats. There's actually more nudity in the remake, which surprised me. The cast is full of TV veterans like William Katt, Alexandra Paul, Soleil Moon Frye and an impossibly young Mila Kunis. There are even a few notable character actors like James Karen and Leland Orser among the cast. I wouldn't recommend going out of your way to see Piranha (1995), but there are worse ways to spend 90 minutes.

Rating: 59%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: Alexandra Paul, who was on Baywatch when Piranha (1995) came out, was also in Dragnet and John Carpenter's Christine.

The Ghost Ship

Tom Merriam, on his first assignment, joins the crew of the Altair as Third Officer. Initially, Tom seems impressed by Captain Stone and believes there is much he could learn from the Captain. But, slowly, Tom begins to suspect that Stone is losing his mind and has taken his authority over the crew to a homicidal extreme. With no one to turn to, Tom is left trapped on the ship with a madman. While not as visually stylish as Val Lewton's previous horror films, The Ghost Ship is still atmospheric and does a good job of ratcheting up the tension as the movie goes on. Also, there's a pretty sweet knife fight towards the end of the film that is surprisingly violent for a movie from the 1940s.

Rating: 61%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Haunted Palace

Convinced that he is a warlock, the townspeople of Arkham drag Joseph Curwen from his palatial estate and burn him alive. Before he dies, Curwen puts a curse on Arkham and vows to come back from the dead to take his revenge on the descendants of those who killed him. One hundred and ten years later, Charles Dexter Ward, the great-great-grandson of Joseph Curwen, comes to Arkham to claim the property that he has inherited. The people of Arkham are immediately suspicious of Ward, who bears an uncanny resemblance to Curwen. Is it just a coincidence or has Joseph Curwen finally come back to take his revenge? Despite AIP's marketing, The Haunted Palace is primarily based on H. P. Lovecraft's novella The Case of Charles Dexter Ward. Surprisingly, it is the also the very first movie to be based on one of Lovecraft's works. The sets and the performances are all very good, especially Vincent Price's dual/dueling roles. The only thing that isn't great in the film is the makeup design, everything just looks a little off-color. Despite that, The Haunted Palace is easily one of Corman's best "Poe" films.

Rating: 68%

(Image from Wikipedia)

House of Dracula

Dr. Edelmann is a very busy man. First, Count Dracula arrives at his door hoping to be cured of his vampirism. Then, Larry Talbot (aka The Wolf Man) comes a'knocking, hoping to be cured of his lycanthropy. Dr. Edelmann takes on both patients but starts to get a little sidetracked after finding the body of Frankenstein's Monster. After Edelmann tries to stop Dracula from turning one of his assistants into a vampire, the Count infects Edelmann's blood which begins to turn Edelmann into a madman. The local villagers start to get pissed off at all of the monsters running around town, which leads to a big confrontation at Dr. Edelmann's castle. House of Dracula, much like House of Frankenstein, tries to pack way too much stuff into a 67 minute movie. None of the characters ever really feel like they get a complete story arc and the continuity between the two films makes little to no sense. John Carradine still doesn't really do it for me as Dracula. Lon Chaney Jr. does a great job, as per usual. And Jane Adams' character Nina, Dr. Edelmann's hunchbacked assistant, is fantastic despite being underserved by the script. I would put House of Dracula over House of Frankenstein, mostly because I felt that the cinematography in House of Dracula was far more impressive.

Rating: 66%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed

After another one of his clandestine laboratories is discovered, Baron Frankenstein skips town and holds up in a boarding house under an alias. When he finds out that his young landlady's fiancé is stealing drugs from the nearby insane asylum, he blackmails the couple into helping him kidnap one of the asylum's patients. That patient, a former collaborator who might have information that could help with the Baron's experiments. One thing that I really enjoy about Hammer's Frankenstein films is that Baron Frankenstein is often more villainous than the monsters he creates. However, Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed takes that element just a little bit too far. There is a scene in the film where the Baron rapes his landlady. It's an unpleasant scene that has no real bearing on the plot. Apparently, executives at Hammer at the time felt that the scene was necessary to appease international distributors because of the lack of sex in the movie. Ultimately, the scene was cut from some of the film's original releases but is currently available on the home video version of the movie.

Rating: 61%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Halloween (2007) - Director's Cut

The director's cut of Rob Zombie's Halloween doesn't differ all that much from the theatrical cut. Mostly, it's just a few additional lines of dialogue sprinkled in here and there. The two main differences between the cuts have to do with Michael's escape from Smith's Grove and the fate of Dr. Loomis. In the theatrical cut, Michael escapes from the sanitarium during a prison transfer gone wrong. In the director's cut, in a scene more or less stolen from Kill Bill Vol. 1, Michael escapes from Smith's Grove after some of the sanitarium's employees choose to do some very unsavory things in Michael's room. As for Loomis, the theatrical cut implies that Michael kills Loomis in the Myers' House. While the director's cut includes a scene that makes it clear that Dr. Loomis survives the attack. Even though some of the additional material in the director's cut helps flesh out the characters and the story, I personally think the theatrical cut is the superior version of the film.

 
Rating: 58%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Halloween (2007)

The first 35 minutes of Rob Zombie's Halloween offers up an extended origin story for Michael Myers and the killings that led to his incarceration. It paints a very grim picture of a young boy in a terrible living situation that quickly escalates from killing small animals to multiple homicide. Given the soundtrack, clothing and cars showcased during this sequence, you could reasonably assume that it takes place in the late 70s, but no, apparently it takes place in 1990. What? Anyway, eventually the movie skips ahead to the present, which at the time was 2007, and we get to see a version of the Halloween story we're much more familiar with. Now, Rob Zombie's Halloween has its detractors. And they have some valid arguments. Be it the over-the-top dialogue, ridiculous needle drop moments, gaps in logic and continuity and whatnot and so forth. But, it's not all bad. To give the man some credit, Rob Zombie did manage to cram the cast full of genre movie veterans. From big names like Brad Dourif and Malcolm McDowell all the way down to left field picks like Micky Dolenz and Leslie Easterbrook. So, it's got that going for it.

Rating: 60%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood

aka Leprechaun 6: Back 2 tha Hood

A group of friends find a chest full of gold underneath an abandoned construction site. What begins as a dream come true quickly turns into a nightmare after the group are targeted by an evil Leprechaun. For the first five minutes of Leprechaun: Back 2 tha Hood, I found myself thinking, "Wow, this movie looks pretty good. It might be the best looking film in the Leprechaun series." And then after a character got killed by the Leprechaun, the fakest pool of CGI blood you've ever seen emerged from the character's body. Which turned out to be pretty representative of the movie overall because any time I started to think, "Well, this isn't so bad," the movie would drop in some of the worst CGI imaginable. Back 2 tha Hood might not be as corny or horny as other entries in the series, but it's still a Leprechaun movie through and through.

Rating: 57%

 
(Image from IMDB)

Tremors 5: Bloodlines

Years after the events of Tremors 3, Burt Gummer remains the world's leading authority on and hunter of graboids. Though he has his own web series and a line of survivalist products, fame and fortune continue to elude him. But things start to look up after Burt and his energetic new cameraman Travis are approached by a representative of the South African Wildlife Ministry. It would seem that there have been a series of unexplained attacks in South Africa and graboids appear to be the culprit. Tremors 5 introduces a couple new varieties of graboids, though they aren't given fun nicknames. One variety is more or less a flying version of the shriekers and the other is a highly evolved, though somehow also prehistoric, version of the traditional graboid. Tremors 5 is a decent looking movie, though some of the CGI does look a little cheap. Most of the action sequences are well staged, though a lot of the scenes where Burt shoots guns (which are most of his scenes) make him look really irresponsible. The movie also shamelessly rips off some scenes and dialogue from Jurassic Park, Aliens and Die Hard, but if you're going to steal, why not steal from the best?

Rating: 60%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Wrong Turn 4: Bloody Beginnings

A group of terribly horny* young people get lost in a snowstorm and wind up taking shelter in an abandoned asylum. Only to find out that the asylum wasn't as abandoned as it appeared to be. It was, in fact, home to a trio of inbred cannibals. The kind of inbred cannibals who don't appreciate unwanted house guests. Wrong Turn 4 seems to revel in the brutality of its kills a bit more than previous entries in the series. The bad CGI in the movie is a bit more noticeable this time around as well. The movie opens with an origin story for the cannibals, which also sets up the rest of the plot, but I'm honestly not that invested in the cannibals as actual characters. So the fact that this was a prequel to the other films in the series seemed a bit unnecessary to me.

Rating: 59% 

(Image from Wikipedia)

*terribly horny in that they are simultaneously terrible people who are particularly horny

Ginger Snaps Back: The Beginning

The third film in the Ginger Snaps series, Ginger Snaps Back: The Beginning, is essentially both a prequel and a remake. The story is very similar to the original film, but the setting has been changed from suburbia to the unforgiving wilderness of Canada in the 19th Century. Emily Perkins and Katharine Isabelle are still playing Brigitte and Ginger Fitzgerald, only now they're old-timey versions of those same characters. The dialogue in the movie is fairly contemporary, which is welcome and also kind of funny. While the movie is clearly low budget, given the limited number of locations and ample use of fog, the sets and costumes are all well done. While I don't really understand the motivation of making this entry of the series into a prequel, especially given that the second film ended on somewhat of a cliffhanger, Ginger Snaps Back is still a fairly entertaining film.

Rating: 63%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Damien: Omen II

Several years after the death of his parents, Damien is living with his uncle Richard in Chicago. With some encouragement, Damien learns that he is, in fact, the Antichrist. Soon after, anyone who is suspicious of Damien or anyone who might stand in the way of his followers is met with a grisly death. While it's not as good as the original film, Damien: Omen II is a pretty decent follow-up. The kills are creative and a little gorier this time around. Most of them are meant to appear to be bizarre accidents, which ends up giving them Final Destination vibes. And even though chunks of the movie get bogged down with corporate and/or domestic melodrama, it's still fairly well paced. 

Rating: 71%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Urban Legend

A university student gets killed by an assailant hiding in the backseat of her car, kicking off a wave of murders based on popular urban legends. Can a group of students find the killer before it's too late or will their deaths become just another part of the story? Part of the post-Scream slasher boom on the late 90s, Urban Legend found little love among the critics but managed to be successful enough at the box office to garner two sequels. While the movie's plot and kills aren't particularly original, the cast elevates the film overall. Notable members of the main cast include Jared Leto, Rebecca Gayheart, Joshua Jackson and Tara Reid. Urban Legend's cast also includes some memorable genre veterans like Danielle Harris, Robert Englund and Brad Dourif.

Rating: 62%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Red Eye

After multiple delays, Lisa Reisert boards a red-eye flight to Miami. The man sitting next to her on the plane, Jackson Rippner, seems charming enough, at first. But, not long after takeoff, his true character is revealed. Kicking off a deadly game of cat and mouse with multiple lives on the line. Wes Craven's Red Eye is a slick little thriller. So fast and direct that the movie is, without credits, barely 80 minutes long. The leads, Rachel McAdams and Cillian Murphy, are both great and there are some good supporting parts played by Brian Cox and Jayma Mays.

Rating: 69%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Earthshock

Deep underground, two deadly androids protect a small metal hatch. Behind the hatch is a remote controlled bomb, capable of causing serious planet-wide devastation. After disarming the bomb, the Doctor traces the source of the signal controlling the bomb to a large freighter headed for Earth. Once upon the freighter, the Doctor comes face to face with one of his oldest and deadliest enemies, the Cybermen. Earthshock is a fairly memorable story on two fronts. On the one hand, it was the first appearance of the Cybermen in almost seven years. Not having been the program since Revenge of the Cybermen during the Fourth Doctor's first season. And, probably most famously or infamously, the story ends with the death of Adric. While Adric might not have been a popular or beloved companion, think of him as the Wesley Crusher of Doctor Who, his death must have come as a surprise to the show's viewers. Even though many companions had received less than stellar send-offs over the years, no companions had actually died since Katarina and Sara Kingdom were killed during The Daleks' Master Plan. Overall, Earthshock is a good story despite a few minor flaws. 

Rating: For some people, small, beautiful events is what life is all about%

The Killer

Ah Jong, an assassin, accidentally blinds an innocent woman during a hit. Wracked with guilt, Ah Jong inserts himself into the woman's life, hoping to help her get the expensive surgery needed to repair her vision. Meanwhile, Detective Li begins to investigate the killing. And, as he gets closer to finding Ah Jong, he begins to understand the assassin's methods and complicated moral code. But, soon enough, all hell breaks loose when the people who hired Ah Jong decide to get rid of him to cover their tracks. The Killer is probably John Woo's most popular and most imitated film and it should come as no surprise. It's a frickin' masterpiece. It has everything: guys falling off roofs, guys falling off balconies, guys falling off scaffolding, guys going through windows, guys going through windshields, car chases, boat chases, explosions and slow motion doves. It's a spectacular cornucopia of two-fisted, gun blazing action. While A Better Tomorrow will probably always be my favorite John Woo film, there's no denying that The Killer is fantastic. 

Rating: 84%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Twilight Zone: The Movie

Watching Twilight Zone: The Movie has always come with one great big caveat, can you enjoy the movie knowing that three people lost their lives during an accident on set? It's not an easy thing to get past. If you are able to set that aside for an hour or two, there is still plenty to enjoy in the movie. Sure, it's pretty well impossible not to think about the accident during the film's first segment. Directed by John Landis, "Time Out" is the story of an angry racist who gets to experience what it's like to be on the other side of bigotry and hatred. The second segment, "Kick the Can," directed by Steven Spielberg, doesn't quite fit the tone of the rest of the movie but is helped by Scatman Crothers' endless supply of charisma. The movie really kicks into high gear in the back half, with remakes of two all-time classic Twilight Zone stories. "It's a Good Life," directed by Joe Dante, pairs a lot of Dante's favorite cartoons and character actors with some memorable special effects from Rob Bottin. And finally, "Nightmare at 20,000 Feet," directed by George Miller, which features John Lithgow (in a role originally played by William Shatner) as a man desperately trying to convince his fellow passengers that there's a gremlin on the wing of their plane. The movie also includes appearances from Albert Brooks, Dan Aykroyd, Vic Morrow, Kevin McCarthy, Nancy Cartwright, Dick Miller and narration by Burgess Meredith.

Rating: 74%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: Steven Williams, who played a bar patron in the first segment, also played Creighton Duke in Jason Goes to Hell: The Final Friday and a tree trimmer in Better Off Dead.

Cursed

After getting into a car accident, orphaned siblings Ellie and Jimmy (played by Christina Ricci and Jesse Eisenberg) get attacked by a large animal. Jimmy swears it was a huge wolf, but everyone tries to convince him that it was probably just a bear or a cougar. By the next morning, the pair start to notice strange changes. Jimmy's getting stronger and Ellie is surprisingly attracted to the scent of blood. Is it a coincidence or have they been cursed with lycanthropy? Wes Craven's Cursed was apparently a nightmare to make, with endless reshoots thanks to the Weinsteins. At least three different versions of the movie were completed. The final version is decent but probably nowhere near the movie that Craven and Kevin Williamson had intended to make. The cast is great, with Ricci and Eisenberg being backed by Joshua Jackson, Judy Greer and Michael Rosenbaum. Plus cameos from Portia de Rossi, Shannon Elizabeth, Nick Offerman, Scott Baio, Craig Kilborn, Lance Bass and the band Bowling for Soup. 

Rating: 62%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Black Orchid

The TARDIS materializes on a railway platform in 1925. Soon after, the Doctor and his companions get whisked away to a country estate, where the Doctor gets to indulge in a spirited game of cricket. After winning the game, the Doctor and his friends get invited to Lord Cranleigh's home for a fancy dress party. But, it's not all cocktails and canapés, there's something sinister lurking inside Lord Cranleigh's home and it just might kill anyone who gets in its way. At just two parts, Black Orchid is a bit of an anomaly. It's a fairly low stakes story. There's no invasion to thwart or armageddon to prevent, it's really just a slightly horror tinged domestic mystery. That said, there's plenty to enjoy in Black Orchid. Nysaa turns out to be an exact duplicate of Lord Cranleigh's fiancée Ann. And, possibly for the first time, Tegan actually enjoys herself. Other than a few barbs directed at the Doctor at the beginning of the story, Tegan is all smiles throughout. The setting and the costumes (both the regular costumes and the fancy dress outfits) are all great. It's far from a perfect story, but it goes down easy. Like a nice cocktail in the bath.

Rating: Thank you, Lady Cranleigh, for a delightfully unexpected afternoon%

The 36th Chamber of Shaolin

aka The Master Killer

Even if the Wu-Tang Clan hadn't named their debut album after The 36th Chamber of Shaolin, the movie would still be on the Mount Rushmore of kung fu flicks. It's just that good. What's the plot of the movie? That's besides the point. The 36th Chamber of Shaolin is all about the training sequences. If your favorite part of a martial arts movie is the training montage, then The 36th Chamber of Shaolin is your Citizen Kane. And even though we only ever get to see ten of the promised chambers, no one goes away from this movie disappointed. 

Rating: 82%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Meatballs

If you don't think about it too hard, Meatballs is actually a beautiful movie. It's the story of an idyllic Summer filled with friendship, romance and personal development. Of course, once you get past that, Meatballs is also a story about hot dog eating contests, spying on girls and pantsing your rivals. Meatballs was also Bill Murray's breakout film and, as a word of warning, if you're not a fan of his early manic antics, then this is not the movie for you. While I would consider Meatballs to be a particularly raucous and ribald comedy, it's not nearly as raunchy as its sequels. In the grand pantheon on Summer camp cinema, it's a fairly chaste film. 

Rating: 69%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Vampire in Brooklyn

Maximillian, a centuries-old vampire, travels from the Caribbean to New York City to find Rita, a half-vampire. Rita, unaware of her lineage, is a Detective with the NYPD investigating a series of brutal murders connected to a mysterious ship that crashed into a Brooklyn dockyard. Maximillian has only a short time to find Rita, woo her and transform her into a vampire completely. Should he fail, Maximillian would be doomed to walk the Earth alone. Did I mention that this is also a comedy? Sort of. That might be the biggest problem with Vampire in Brooklyn, tonally it's all over the map. It's a horror movie and a comedy and a love story. The movie is constantly jumping from one tone to another. The horror parts work but aren't given enough emphasis. The comedy almost exclusively comes from the supporting characters played by Kadeem Hardison and John Witherspoon. Eddie Murphy only really has one comedic moment in the movie where he transforms into an alcoholic preacher and delivers a sermon about how "evil is good." The love story, more of a love triangle, doesn't really work because the relationship between Angela Bassett's character and her partner, Detective Justice (yes, you read that correctly), isn't set up very well. While the film has some redeeming qualities, including a great nightmare sequence and appearances from Mitch Pileggi and Zakes Mokae, it doesn't entirely work. Also, it should be no surprise that the movie didn't connect with audiences, because it commits two major cinematic sins: Eddie Murphy's character kills a dog and a cat. Nothing turns audiences off faster than killing dogs and cats. 

Rating: 63%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Visitation

In an attempt to get Tegan back to her own time, the TARDIS accidentally ends up in 17th century England. Due to a plague ravaging the area, the locals are particularly inhospitable to the Doctor and his companions. With the help of an actor turned highwayman, the Doctor and his friends are able to take refuge in a nearby barn. It's there that the Doctor discovers a piece of jewelry made from polygrite, a material not native to Earth. When the investigation moves to the manor house, our intrepid time travelers come face to face with an android dressed as the Grim Reaper. And that's when things really start to go sideways. I had a particularly good time with The Visitation. It's a bit of a throwback to the pseudohistorical stories of the show's past. The Fifth Doctor really seems to be coming into his own here and we're starting to see his personality get fleshed out. The Terileptils, the big bad of the story, look great (for the most part, their coloring doesn't quite work under natural light) and their plans are both diabolical and coherent. Also, I really liked Richard Mace, the highwayman, who has plenty of good lines and good moments. Finally, it's worth noting here that the Doctor's sonic screwdriver got destroyed in this serial and was not seen again until the Doctor Who TV Movie in 1996.

 

Rating: I feel as though you've just killed an old friend%

Road House

Dalton, a professional bouncer, is hired to run security at a struggling bar outside of Kansas City called the Double Deuce. As Dalton begins to clean up the place, he runs afoul of Brad Wesley, a cartoonishly evil man who runs roughshod over the town and its residents. As Dalton begins to grow fond of his new home and his new friends, not to mention a certain blonde doctor, the pressure and intimidation from Brad Wesley continues to escalate until the two men are forced into a final confrontation that decides the ultimate fate of the community. Is Road House over the top? Yes. Is Road House a little trashy? Yes. Are those two of it's core strengths? You betcha. Road House is a braindead movie that is also a lot of fun. It's well paced with a great soundtrack. And even though it's nearly two hours long, you'd never know it. 

Rating: 79%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Wet Hot American Summer

It's the end of the Summer and everyone at Camp Firewood has a full day ahead of them. There's swimming, waterskiing, rafting, arts and crafts, capture the flag, marriage counseling, premarital sex and redirecting falling chunks of Skylab. Not to mention the big talent show. It's a lot to cram into one day. Wet Hot American Summer is a cult comedy through and through. You either love it or you hate it. Personally, I love it. It's an absurdist tribute to and parody of Summer camp comedies. The cast is incredible, with Janeane Garofalo, David Hyde Pierce, Molly Shannon, Paul Rudd, Elizabeth Banks, Christopher Meloni, H. Jon Benjamin, Amy Poehler, Bradley Cooper, Kevin Sussman, Judah Friedlander and several members of The State. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go fondle my sweaters. 

Rating: 73%

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The People Under the Stairs

With a sick mother and a looming eviction, young Fool (real name Poindexter) agrees to go on a B&E job. The target: Fool's wealthy landlords. But, from the very beginning, something just seems off about the landlord's home. Like, why are all the windows locked from the outside? And things only get stranger after he gets inside the house. Soon enough, it's an all-out fight for survival. Will Fool make it out or will he become another one of the people under the stairs? Wes Craven's The People Under the Stairs was a video store staple going back to the early nineties. For casual movie fans, it was probably Craven's most recognizable film outside of the slasher genre. And, while I think it holds up pretty well, I feel like it has some serious structural problems. The movie kind of peaks at the end of the second act. There's also a bit of a reset at the beginning of the third act, which kills a lot of the movie's momentum. That said, it's still an enjoyable film. 

Rating: 68%

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Kinda

The Doctor and his companions arrive on the planet Deva Loka, home of the Kinda people. While investigating the area, Tegan falls asleep under some mysterious wind chimes and her mind gets trapped in a shadowy realm where she gets antagonized by the Mara. Meanwhile, the Doctor and Adric get imprisoned by some colonists who have clearly started to go a little nuts. And, if you're wondering what Nyssa go up to, the answer is nothing. After a fainting spell at the beginning of the story, Nyssa is put to bed and is not seen again until everyone is ready to leave at the end of the final episode. Kinda isn't great. It seems like the writers couldn't come up with enough for the main cast to do, hence writing out Nyssa and sidelining Tegan for most of the story. That said, the giant snake puppet (yes, there's a giant snake puppet) is pretty cool, even if it looks a little rough. 

Rating: Intentions unknown. Hypothesis unfriendly, as K-9 would say%

The Rock

General Hummel and a group of rogue Marines steal fifteen rockets filled with deadly nerve gas before taking hostages on Alcatraz Island. With a ticking clock looming over everyone's head, two men are chosen to accompany a Navy SEAL team for the purpose of sneaking into Alcatraz and disarming the rockets: Dr. Stanley Goodspeed, an FBI chemical weapons specialist, and John Mason, a former British operative and the only man ever to successfully escape from Alcatraz. After their SEAL team gets wiped out by Hummel's Marines, it's up to Mason and Goodspeed to take out the rockets before it's too late. Not having seen Bad Boys II, I have to assume that The Rock is the best movie that Michael Bay has ever made or will ever make. And yes, I know he's currently working on a Skibidi Toilet movie. That said, The Rock is fantastic. Great shootouts, explosions galore and a car chase sequence that is constantly one-upping itself. The main cast is fantastic and they're backed up by a murderer's row of character actors like Michael Biehn, William Forsythe, John C. McGinley and the late, great Tony Todd.

Rating: 77%

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The Wizard

Corey Woods breaks his little brother Jimmy out of an institution and heads for California. Along the way, he discovers that Jimmy is incredibly talented at video games. With the help of a precocious young girl named Haley, the three runaways head for Los Angeles to enter Jimmy into the Video Armageddon tournament. The Wizard is notorious for essentially being a ninety minute commercial for Nintendo and it's various games and accessories. The movie does have a surprising amount of heart though and is actually a decent adventure/road trip movie. The young leads are all very good and the movie is padded out with a great supporting cast that includes Beau Bridges, Christian Slater and Sam McMurray. It's so bad. 

Rating: 64%

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The Serpent and the Rainbow

Dennis Alan, a Harvard anthropologist, heads down to Haiti to look for a drug used in zombification rituals, hoping to find the next super anesthetic. With the help of Dr. Marielle Duchamp, Dennis locates Christophe Durand, a man who had been pronounced dead several years earlier and who has since become a local legend. Dennis' quest for the drug is complicated after he runs up against Captain Dargent Peytraud, a high ranking member of the secret police, who warns Dennis to leave Haiti or face consequences worse than death. The Serpent and the Rainbow has some amazing locations and great camera work, but seems to be missing some connective tissue. Overdubbed narration is used several times to smooth over some of the gaps, but some scenes are still awkwardly joined. 

Rating: 62%

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Four to Doomsday

After a strong magnetic field throws the TARDIS off course, the Doctor and his companions find themselves on a spaceship headed for Earth. Overseen by Monarch, the ship contains billions of Urbankans and several Earthling guests from the distant past. While Monarch would have the Doctor believe that his intentions are peaceful, Monarch's guests suggest his plans for Earth are much more nefarious. And besides, if Monarch means no harm, why is his ship carrying all that poison? Four to Doomsday feels a lot like a First Doctor story. It takes place primarily on a spaceship and the Doctor gets a little cranky with his young companions. It's not hard to see why though. Tegan never stops complaining and Adric has gone full chauvinist prick. Nyssa, despite getting sidelined multiple times, is the only companion that doesn't seem to piss the Doctor off. It probably helps that she's able to stop a soldier from cutting off the Doctor's head.

Rating: Goodness me, you are a long way from home%

Sudden Death

Stanley Cup Finals, Game 7. Penguins vs Blackhawks. The energy inside the arena is electric. Security is extra tight because the Vice President is in attendance. What the Secret Service doesn't know, however, is that terrorists have rigged the arena with plastic explosives. Thankfully, there's a man inside the building with all the necessary goal keeping and ass kicking skills to save the day: a fire marshal named Darren. It's basically Die Hard at a hockey game. JCVD stars as Darren the fire marshal, who picks the absolute worst day to take his kids to work, and Powers Boothe plays the leader of the terrorists. Sudden Death is a fun, straightforward action movie. Easily one of the better JVCD movies out there. What the movie lacks in originality, it make up for in scenes where JCVD fights a terrorist in a mascot costume. 

Rating: 66%

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UHF

George Newman, a dreamer and a screw-up struggling to hold down a job, gets his big break when he's given the opportunity to run his uncle's low-budget TV station. When George's wacky new programming ideas start to find an audience, he runs afoul of the local network affiliate. There are lines and bits from UHF that have been burned into my memory for the last 30+ years that will likely be with me until the day I die. Are some of the parodies in the movie dated now? Yes. Have some of the cast gone on to do bad things. Sure. That said, if Spatula City doesn't make you smile, you might not have a soul. 

Rating: 81%

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The Hills Have Eyes Part II

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the desert... Eight years after the Carter family were terrorized by a group of savage cannibals, Bobby Carter's motorcycle team set out to test their new super fuel at a race in the... dun dun duuun... desert. After failing to account for daylight saving time, the group take an ill-advised shortcut, which leads them straight into cannibal country. After their bus breaks down, the team are attacked by Pluto, who somehow survived having his throat ripped out in the first film, and the Reaper, Pluto's uncle. The Hills Have Eyes Part II is pretty bad. The dialogue is bad, the characters are bad, the pacing is bad and the movie's runtime is padded out with flashbacks to the first film. The most egregious of which is when the dog, Beast, has a flashback to his previous showdown with Pluto. It's hardly surprising that Wes Craven has disowned the film. 

Rating: 54%

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Castrovalva

The Master springs a series of traps on the newly regenerated Doctor and his companions that take them from the Big Bang to the mysterious planet Castrovalva. Adric gets captured early on and spends most of the story being tortured, though he also, in an attempt to manipulate the Doctor and his friends, occasionally pops up as a projection controlled by the Master. Peter Davison’s first story as the Fifth Doctor feels a lot like two short stories mashed together. The first half of the serial takes place almost entirely in the TARDIS and is pretty much a remake of the First Doctor story The Edge of Destruction. The second half of the story takes place on Castrovalva and, even though there isn’t much time to flesh things out, the characters are interesting and the quiet mystery vibes are effective. The concept of block-transfer computation gets trotted out again as a means of explaining the Masters machinations but it makes even less sense here than it did in Logopolis.

 

Rating: Well, I suppose I'll get used to it in time%

The Executioner

Koga, a practitioner of ancient ninja techniques, is recruited to help take down the Mafia, who are smuggling drugs into Japan. With martial arts films beginning to find a worldwide audience in 70s, the push was on to crown a successor to the late Bruce Lee. For a time, Sonny Chiba was Japan's potential heir to the throne. Following the stateside success of The Street Fighter, North American distributors began importing other Sonny Chiba films. The Executioner, much like The Street Fighter, has a lot of stylish and vicious action scenes, but Chiba's character Koga is much more likable than The Street Fighter's Terry Tsurugi. He's still an anti-hero but he murders far fewer innocent people and, unless I missed something, he never sells anyone into slavery.

Rating: 72%

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G.I. Joe: The Movie

In 1986, while riding high on the success of their respective toy lines and TV shows, Hasbro released The Transformers: The Movie and My Little Pony: The Movie theatrically. Neither film performed well at the box office. The Transformers: The Movie also managed to traumatize some of it's young audience by killing off many of their favorite characters. G.I. Joe: The Movie, originally intended to be released around the same time as those other two Hasbro films, was eventually released direct-to-video in 1987. While many of the classic G.I. Joe characters get sidelined throughout the movie to allow for a greater focus on a crop of new Joes, production delays allowed the filmmakers to sidestep The Transformers: The Movie's biggest taboo: killing off a beloved main character. Watching the movie now, it's clear that the Joe's leader Duke was meant to die in the film. Serpentor straight up stabs Duke in the heart with a spear, but thanks to some new dialogue Duke merely goes into a coma. And even though we never see Duke again onscreen, a character announces to everyone at the end of the film that Duke has come out of the coma and is going to be A-okay.  

Rating: 60%

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Swamp Thing

At a research base, deep in the swampland, Dr. Alec Holland is working on a top secret formula. But, after the base is attacked by the nefarious Anton Arcane, Alec Holland is seemingly killed and the Swamp Thing is born. With the help of Alice Cable, Swamp Thing attempts to stop Arcane from using Alec Holland's formula for evil. While I'm sure 1982's Swamp Thing has its defenders, I can't imagine it tops many people's lists of favorite Wes Craven or superhero films. The makeup design for Swamp Thing looks like a cross between the Toxic Avenger and a sad, gloopy Gumby. Harry Manfredini's score doesn't really fit the tone of the movie, mostly because it sounds like all of the scores he did for the Friday the 13th films. There are a handful of impressive stunts in the movie, as well as a number of explosions that seem to be going off dangerously close to the actors.

Rating: 61%

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Logopolis

At the beginning of this story, the Doctor is in a bit of a pensive mood. Even though he’s been trying to get back to Gallifrey since his time on Tigella, the Doctor decides that it’s time he made some long overdue repairs to the TARDIS. After making a stop on Earth to do some research, the Doctor accidentally picks up two passengers: an airline stewardess named Tegan Jovanka and the Master. After leaving Earth, the Doctor heads to Logopolis to meet with the Monitor, who’s prowess in block-transfer computations will help the Doctor make the necessary repairs to the TARDIS. Once on Logopolis, the Doctor and Adric are reunited with Nyssa, who claims she was brought there by a friend of the Doctor. Having kept his presence hidden up to that point, the Master begins to search for the secret behind the Logopolitans’ powerful mathematics. The Master’s plot winds up putting the fate of the entire universe at risk. The situation gets bad enough that the Doctor is forced to team up with the Master. And while their short-lived partnership ultimately saves most of the universe, it ends up costing the Doctor one of his lives. The final story of the Fourth Doctor era is, honestly, a bit of a disappointment. All the timey-wimey mumbo jumbo about block-transfer computations and all-powerful mathematics is pretty boring. And the Master’s brief face turn towards the end of the story feels like it was lifted directly from Terror of the Autons.

Rating: Back in two shakes%

Live Free or Die Hard

As a favor to the FBI, John McClane is tasked with escorting a hacker to Washington, D.C. Things quickly start to go sideways after a group of hitmen try to kill the hacker before McClane can bring him in. With assassins following their every move, McClane and the hacker attempt to stop a group of terrorists who are attempting to bring down America through a coordinated cyber attack. As far as Die Hard movies go, Live Free or Die Hard probably ranks second to last for most people. What saves it from being dead last, for me at least, is the presence of Justin Long as the hacker. Long has an endless supply of charisma and his back and forth with Bruce Willis, while being somewhat derivative of the odd couple dynamic in Die Hard with a Vengeance, elevates the movie overall. Timothy Olyphant is good as the leader of the terrorists, but lacks the intimidating gravitas of previous villains in the series. And Kevin Smith is unnecessarily shoehorned into the movie as another hacker.

Rating: 68%

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