Black Christmas (2019)

I knew very little about 2019's Black Christmas before I watched it but I had a sinking feeling that I wasn't going to enjoy it once I saw that it was rated PG-13. I was right. My problems with the film have little to do with its feminist leanings though. That's all well and good. I just found all of the characters to be unlikable. The kills were bloodless and tame. Cary Elwes's character's accent was laughable. Also, spoiler alert, the supernatural element was dumb. But, perhaps worst of all, Andrea Martin does not appear in the film. Can you call it Black Christmas if Andrea Martin isn't there? I think not.

Rating: 61%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Black Christmas Yearbook

1974 - 2006

Xmas Story

It's the year 3000 and Fry is having a hard time adjusting to Xmas (formerly known as Christmas) in the 30th Century. His complaints wind up upsetting Leela, who grew up an orphan. To cheer her up, Fry sets out to buy Leela a last minute Xmas present. But, Fry being Fry, he fails to heed the warnings about Robot Santa who, due to a programming error, goes on a killing spree every Xmas Eve. I haven't watched Futurama in many years, so revisiting this episode was a real treat for me. Tinny Tim, the down-and-out robot in search of charity booze, was definitely a highlight.

Rating: Stink Lizards%

The Great Santa Claus Switch

On Christmas Eve, Santa Claus is kidnapped by the evil wizard Cosmo Scam and his cave-dwelling minions, the Frackles. No, not the Fraggles, the Frackles. They're a completely different group of cave-dwelling weirdos. Let's not get bogged down in the details. The important thing here is that Cosmo intends to use his evil magic to impersonate Santa and then rob all of the houses on Santa's route. Santa's only hope? A keen elf named Fred. The Great Santa Claus Switch aired as an episode of The Ed Sullivan Show in 1970 and is hosted by the man himself. There aren't too many marquee Muppets in the special, as it was filmed several years before The Muppet Show, but an early version of Gonzo does appear.

Rating: A Toy Truck%

Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

A year has passed and the extended McCallister family are on their way to another destination Christmas vacation, this time to sunny Florida. However, their plans are sullied after a mishap at the airport sends Kevin to New York City, alone. And, it just so happens that a certain pair of burglars have managed to escape from prison as well. Home Alone 2 is not as good as the original Home Alone, which is hardly surprising. Lost in New York rushes the setup and repeats too many elements from the first film. The violence against the Wet Bandits has been amped up this time around, which still manages to delight. And the movie is really helped by the addition of Tim Curry as the hotel concierge. Watching him hold back tears after being slapped by Catherine O'Hara is amazing.

Rating: 70%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Miracle on Elm Street

After getting a lesson about the importance of giving during the Christmas season, Richie invites a homeless person to come live with the Winslows. Meanwhile, Steve Urkel heads downs to the city dump to find Laura's favorite doll, which Eddie accidentally threw away. At the end of the episode, the cast breaks the fourth wall and sings "We Wish You a Merry Christmas." This is a top tier Family Matters Christmas episode. There's even an appearance from the great Waldo Geraldo Faldo, so you know I love it.

Rating: Super Nintendo%

Fun Fact: Ben, the homeless man who may have been more than he appeared to be, was played by Art Evans, who was also in Die Hard 2.

The Stingiest Man in Town

The Stingiest Man in Town is the Rankin/Bass version of A Christmas Carol. It's a fairly straightforward adaptation except for, much like in the case of Cricket on the Hearth, the inclusion of an insect narrator. A humbug, in fact. One B. A. H. Humbug, Esq., to be precise, voiced by Tom Bosley. Scrooge is played by Walter Matthau, who gives a fine performance. And the special is jam packed with music. Every few minutes there's another big 70s variety show style song. It's almost comical how many songs are in this special. There are a few flourishes here and there that set The Stingiest Man in Town apart from other adaptations of A Christmas Carol, but it's pretty plain overall.

Rating: A Tie%

(Image from IMDB)

Silent Knight

Michael and KITT cross paths with a kid on the run from some bank robbers. With the police unable to protect the kid, Michael decides to take him out of town to stay with some relatives. But the bank robbers are hot on their trail. I'm no expert on Knight Rider but, to me, it seems pretty similar to The Six Million Dollar Man. If Steve Austin had a souped-up car instead of bionic limbs, he'd be Michael Knight. And this particular episode of Knight Rider isn't even all that Christmas-y. But KITT does learn a valuable lesson about the true meaning of Christmas, so that's good enough for me.

 

Rating: Argyle Socks%

Fun Fact: One of the bank robbers was played by David Proval, who was also in UHF and The Monster Squad.

George and the Christmas Star

While decorating his Christmas tree, George decides that no ordinary star will be good enough. So he builds a spaceship in his backyard and sets off to capture the brightest star in the night sky. Along the way he meets a singing robot, gets pulled over by the cops, gets captured by pirates, meets a girl and takes a ride on Santa's sleigh. It's an odd little journey. The animation style is a mishmash of Terry Gilliam, Heavy Metal and The Wizard of Id. The music is great and the special has a quirky tone.

Rating: Friendship%

Jennifer's Home for Christmas

Everyone at the station seems to have big plans for Christmas, except for Jennifer. So, after she gets upset when the Christmas party is cut short, they all decide to go down to her apartment to cheer her up. Warm, festive comedy ensues. I watched a lot of WKRP in Cincinnati reruns when I was a kid. I think it holds up pretty well to this day, if you can get past the theatrical style of older sitcoms. The cast is great and they play off of each other very well. It's a classic workplace sitcom filled with wacky characters. What's not to like?

Rating: Another TV%

Fun Fact: George Gaynes, who played Commandant Lassard in all of the Police Academy movies, appears in the episode as one of the many people dropping gifts off at Jennifer's apartment.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and the Island of Misfit Toys

You know how in the Halloween franchise, every so often they'd put out a sequel that would ignore some of the sequels that came before it. They did it in H20 and they did it again in the David Gordon Green trilogy. Well, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and the Island of Misfit Toys is like that. It's a sequel to the original Rankin/Bass special but it has nothing to do with the sequels that Rankin/Bass put out in the 70s. Did I need to reference the Halloween franchise to explain that? No, probably not. But, given that Jamie Lee Curtis is one of the voice actors in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and the Island of Misfit Toys, it seemed appropriate. This direct-to-video sequel isn't awful but it is awful adjacent. The CGI animation is terrible but they did a great job recreating the classic character designs. The songs are annoying but the voice acting is pretty good. The plot is nonsense but so were the plots of all of Rankin/Bass's specials. Also, the title is misleading, the Island of Misfit Toys isn't really a big part of the story.

Rating: A Boomerang That Won't Come Back%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Shane Black loves Christmas. It's featured in the majority of his films. And while Christmas is featured repeatedly in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang, it's mostly a background element. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is primarily a send up of Hollywood and detective fiction. It's also a twist on the buddy cop genre that Black has trafficked in so many times before. Val Kilmer and Michelle Monaghan are very good in the movie but Robert Downey Jr. is the real standout. His performance in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is a clear precursor to his time as Tony Stark in the MCU.

Rating: 72%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: Shane Black co-wrote The Monster Squad with Fred Dekker.

The Big .22 Rifle For Christmas

Sergeant Friday and Officer Smith respond to a call about a missing kid. Some blood and the empty casing from a .22 caliber bullet are found outside the boy's home. Soon after, another boy is reported missing. By day's end, both boys will be found but only one of them will be opening their Christmas presents this year. My experience with and knowledge of Dragnet is mostly limited to the 1987 movie version starring Dan Aykroyd and Tom Hanks, so I'm probably not the best person to judge the original 50s TV incarnation but man, this shit was dour. Dragnet had to be one of the earliest procedural shows, so I can forgive some of its tropes. The voice over narration, the flat dialogue, the staggering abundance of hats. Maybe it was just this particular episode. Maybe some of the other crimes investigated on the show lead to happy endings, but that was definitely not the case this time.

Rating: A Catcher's Mitt%