Black Christmas (2006)

2006's Black Christmas takes the premise of the original 1974 film, amps up the violence, expands the backstory and fails to create much in the way of suspense. It ends up being a fairly standard post-Scream slasher from the early 2000s. It's clear that the filmmakers had a lot of affection for the original film but, for whatever reason, the end result is somewhat unnecessary. The killer's backstory is gratuitous in a number of ways and might be the worst part of the movie. But, it's not all bad. The performances are all well done, some of the twists work, some of the kills are cool, and it was nice to see Andrea Martin in the film.

Rating: 61%

(Image from Wikipedia)

'Twas the Night Before Christmas

Oftentimes in Rankin/Bass specials, Santa Claus is depicted as being somewhat temperamental. In 1974's 'Twas the Night Before Christmas, a skeptical letter to the editor pisses Santa off to the point where he turns his back on the entire town of Junctionville. All of the town's letters to Santa get returned unopened and the townsfolk start freaking out. To get back into Santa's good graces, local clock maker Joshua Trundle convinces the town to build a giant singing clock that will play a special song for Santa at the stroke of midnight on Christmas Eve. By Rankin/Bass standards, that's a fairly straightforward narrative. Did I mention that the clock maker has a mouse apprentice? And it was the mouse's son who wrote the letter that pissed Santa off?

Rating: A Clock%

(Image from IMDB)

Home Alone

A few years ago, my sister decided to show Home Alone to her kids. They loved it, which is hardly surprising. Home Alone is a rollicking power fantasy for children. She did, however, have to explain to them what a VHS tape was. Ah, the passage of time. Watching the movie again, for the first time in many years, I appreciated how well the premise was set up. There’s a lot going on in that first act, but it’s very well executed. Kevin comes off a little brattier than I remembered, which makes sense because I was probably around the character’s age when I last watched the movie. I won’t lie, I got a little misty eyed when John Candy showed up. His scenes with Catherine O’Hara were definitely a highlight for me. The movie squeezes in a lesson about the importance of family, but it’s never cloying or maudlin.

Rating: 78%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Fun Fact: John Heard and Daniel Stern were both in C.H.U.D.

John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together

The Muppets did two tv specials with John Denver: 1983's Rocky Mountain Holiday and 1979's John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together. A Christmas Together has never been released on home video. It's fallen into that murky grey market of television curiosities from the 1970s. I like to think that dorky Muppet fans (much like myself) are drawn to the special much like Star Wars diehards are drawn to the Star Wars Holiday Special. Having seen both, I feel like I can definitively say that John Denver and the Muppets: A Christmas Together is better than the Star Wars Holiday Special. A Christmas Together isn't anything amazing but it has its moments. My only real complaint is that it's more of a John Denver special than a Muppets special. The Muppets are featured extensively, but it really feels like it's a John Denver special first and foremost.

Rating: Wooden Soldiers%

(Image from Amazon)

A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas

By the time "A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas" aired in 2001, Family Guy had already survived one cancellation and was a few months away from being cancelled for a second time. If you weren't a regular viewer back in the day, you might not even be aware of the show's past scheduling woes. Especially since Family Guy is currently in the midst of its 21st season. "A Very Special Family Guy Freakin' Christmas" finds the Griffins in the midst of the holiday rush. Lois is determined to have a nice family Christmas but Peter's laziness and the machinations of the plot leave the family with no gifts, no turkey and a burnt up Christmas tree. Luckily, some Christmas cheer and a high powered tranquilizer dart set everything straight again. And a Merry Freakin' Christmas was had by all.

Rating: Plutonium%

The Cabbage Patch Kids First Christmas

After learning about Christmas, the Cabbage Patch Kids decide to leave the secret cabbage patch and head into the big city to see the Christmas Spirit for themselves. They're followed by the evil Lavender MacDade and her henchmen, Beau Weasel and Cabbage Jack. At first, Lavender wants to capture the Cabbage Patch Kids and put them to work in her mine. Once she reaches the city, Lavender then decides that the kids could become her own little pickpocket army. While trying to evade Lavender and her goons, the Cabbage Patch Kids meet Jenny, a lonely orphan. The Cabbage Patch Kids then make it their mission to find Jenny a new home. In 1984, when this special first aired, sales of Cabbage Patch Kids dolls and merchandise were over two billion dollars worldwide. The market was clearly white hot for all things Cabbage Patch Kids related. According to Wikipedia, when this special aired, it was the top-rated show in its time slot. Watching it now, nearly forty years later, it seems like the people behind the special knew that they could put anything on the screen and it would have been a success. There were definitely a number of things in the special that didn't make any sense to me. Why wasn't Xavier taking better care of the Cabbage Patch Kids? Why were Lavender and her thugs able to shapeshift? Did Colonel Casey get offended when the Kids cooked a turkey? Why did I watch this?

Rating: A Wallet%

(Image from IMDB)

Jolly Old St. Dick

I definitely watched 3rd Rock from the Sun for a chunk of its six season run back in the day, but very little of it has stayed with me in the years since. I've actually tried to revisit the series after seeing it pop up on various streaming services, but I found the show's aggressive laugh track to be distracting. However, while watching "Jolly Old St. Dick," I couldn't help but appreciate the show's pacing and jokes per minute ratio. With the four main characters each getting a plot thread, plus appearances from half a dozen supporting characters, it's a wonder that the show wasn't a jumbled mess. As a youngster, I was in a school play about aliens coming to Earth and learning the true meaning of Christmas, so it was especially nostalgic for me to watch this episode where the alien leads get to be confused, excited, frustrated and ultimately delighted by the whole Christmas experience.

Rating: Travel Mug%

It's Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown

You might be surprised to learn that there have been at least four Peanuts Christmas specials. I know I was. But after watching It's Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown, I can understand why this fact isn't more well known. That's not to say that It's Christmastime Again, Charlie Brown is bad, it's just nowhere near as good as the perennial A Charlie Brown Christmas. It's Christmastime Again doesn't have much of a story. It feels like a lot of disjointed vignettes that have been haphazardly collected. It's also lacking in memorable songs and iconography. There's nothing in this special that really stands out. Nothing that makes it especially special.

Rating: Gloves%

Christmas is Where the Heart Is

Carl and Steve head out to do some last minute shopping on a stormy Christmas Eve after Carl accidentally destroys the crystal music box he bought for Harriette. On their way home from the mall, Carl and Steve get stuck on the subway after the power goes out. Steve's efforts to improve everyone's mood with singing and Christmas cheer are initially met with condemnation and (sitcom appropriate) threats of violence. "Christmas is Where the Heart Is" is mainly focused on Carl, Steve and the other stranded passengers. The rest of the Winslow family, at least those still on the show, are featured but have little involvement in the story. And, sadly, Waldo Geraldo Faldo is once again absent.

Rating: 20 Pound Dumbbell%

Batman Returns

I don't know if Batman Returns is necessarily the best super hero movie set at Christmas but it's easily the horniest one. It's also Burton AF. If 1989's Batman was a super hero movie with some Tim Burton flair, Batman Returns was a Tim Burton movie with some super hero elements tossed into the mix. Apparently, after the success of 1989's Batman, Burton only agreed to make the sequel if he was given a lot more creative control over the production. And, after rewatching the movie, I'd say he got it. At one point, there's a shot where the camera glides over the Penguin's abandoned amusement park lair and you can't help but think that was Tim Burton's whole reason for making the movie. The acting is good all around, with Michelle Pfeiffer delivering a particularly impressive multi-layered performance. Overall, Batman Returns feels like a more fully realized Batman movie than its predecessor.

Rating: 72%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Legend of Frosty the Snowman

Everything is exactly as it should be in the town of Evergreen. Then, one day, an old silk hat blows into town. Suddenly, children are breaking curfew and horsing around. Rumors of a magical snowman begin to circulate. Civil unrest starts to foment. It's up to little Tommy Tinkerton to discover the truth behind the legend of Frosty the Snowman. Of all the Frosty specials I've seen so far, I probably hated this one the least. At just over an hour, it's too long. Thankfully, the animation looks good, the voice acting is on point and there aren't a ton of annoying songs. To date, The Legend of Frosty the Snowman is the last sequel to the original Rankin/Bass Frosty the Snowman special. So, Happy Birthday to me, I guess.

Rating: Corn%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Christmas with the Addams Family

I guess the joke with the Addams Family, at least in the original TV version, is that despite their odd proclivities, they're actually a very close, loving family. Case in point, in "Christmas with the Addams Family," after a neighbor tells Wednesday and Puglsey that there's no Santa, the rest of the family fall all over themselves getting dressed up as Old Saint Nick to preserve the children's innocence. That's standard family sitcom fare through and through. Sure, the characters reference having a two-headed cousin, but that's just window dressing on an otherwise ordinary plot. I grew up watching reruns of The Addams Family, so I found this particular episode charming. It probably won't inspire any memes, like the new Wednesday series on Netflix, but the original series is still bewitching.

Rating: Bow and Arrows%

The Invisible Enemy

On the way to their base on Titan, a shuttle crew is infected by a mysterious entity calling itself the Swarm. The infected crew begin preparing a breeding ground for the Swarm, so that it might begin its conquest over all other living things. When the TARDIS passes by, the Doctor is also infected. Only Leela appears to be immune to the Swarm's influence. The Invisible Enemy isn't a great story. It's not particularly original, as it seems to borrow elements of Genesis of the Daleks and The Ambassadors of Death. The serial's production value is a bit of a mixed bag as well. Most of the sets are well made but the costumes and visual effects are all pretty lackluster. The Invisible Enemy is notable, however, for the introduction of K9, a robotic dog companion. It doesn't take long for Leela and K9 to strike up a friendship and the scenes of the Fourth Doctor interacting with K9 as if it were a real, flesh and blood dog are pretty funny.

Rating: Some of my best friends are humans%

Day of the Animals

Day of the Animals is not a sequel to 1976's Grizzly. Same producer, same director, a few of the same actors, released the following year. Sure, but it's definitely its own thing. Day of the Animals asks the question, "What if, instead of making Jaws, we made The Birds?" In the movie, a group of hikers fight for their lives after the depleted ozone layer causes animals to go crazy and attack people. And you better believe this movie is chock full of animals. There's tons of gorgeous second unit animal footage and a surprising amount of footage of trained animals interacting with/attacking the actors/stunt doubles. If nothing else, I will tell you that this is a movie where a bare chested Leslie Neilsen both throttles a child and wrestles a bear. If that doesn't pique your interest, then you and I are very different people.

Rating: 69%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Scream (2022)

Scream 4 was all about remakes, whereas 2022's Scream is fixated on the concept of the legacy sequel. A franchise extension that establishes new characters and creates new storyline opportunities for the series. While, at the same time, finding convoluted new ways to tie itself back to the mythology of the previous films and generate a means to trot out a number of familiar faces. Thankfully, it's still a Scream film, so there's a prominent monologue that happily points out the movie's own bullshit. Making another Scream film, without Wes Craven, was always going to be a risky maneuver but it's actually handled pretty well here. The performances are good all around and the new Gen Z characters are never irritating. The film's preposterous premise and meta approach to fan culture might divide some audiences but if you put on this movie hoping to see Ghostface stab the shit out of some people, you won't go away disappointed.

Rating: 69%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Barbarian

 

In 2022 people are always like “This is groundbreaking horror nobody’s ever seen” and then it’s like a women is r*ped and tortured in horrible ways. This movie was still pretty decent and did interrogate the trope but not as wild as I was led to believe.

RATING: 73%

Island of the Fishmen

A lifeboat drifting in the Caribbean Sea lands on an uncharted volcanic island. The survivors, a military doctor and some prisoners, are immediately attacked by grotesque, bipedal fishmen. Those lucky enough to escape their first encounter with the fishmen soon find the island's other inhabitants: a wealthy brute, his servants, a beautiful woman, a disgraced scientist and a voodoo priestess. The scientist believes that the fishmen are the next phase of human evolution, while his benefactor only sees the fishmen as a means to salvage treasure from the sunken city of Atlantis. Island of the Fishmen is a little slow at times and features a couple instances of animal cruelty that likely weren't simulated, which is par for the course for Italian genre films of the time. The fishmen look pretty good, almost like a cross between a CHUD and the Sea Devils from Doctor Who. For the film's US release, Roger Corman's New World Pictures added a new opening and changed the title to Something Waits in the Dark. The film's sleazy trailer featured footage from Humanoids from the Deep, another New World Pictures release that featured killer fishmen. After Something Waits in the Dark bombed, the movie's title was changed to Screamers. Infamously, the trailer for Screamers was made up of gruesome footage shot by Jim Wynorski, none of which was added into the movie.

Island of the Fishmen

Rating: 61%

Screamers (Currently available to stream on Tubi)

Rating: 59%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Lights Out

 

A monster ghost is haunting a mother so her kids decide to take action. Turns out the monster can only strike in the dark, so might I suggest moving to a city where there’s never any dark even at night? This is the sort of movie that has a great concept and some cool ideas for scenes, but overall the execution is terrible. Too many cuts, too many musical stingers. It’s like it doesn’t trust itself! Anyway I’d be down for a remake by a competent director.

RATING: 31%

Uninvited

A bunch of Spring Breakers end up on a Wall Street tycoon's yacht with a deadly, mutated cat. It's simultaneously better and worse than it sounds. When the cat isn't killing people, they use a real cat. A big, fluffy, orange cat. It's not menacing in any way. But, when it's killing time, they use an unconvincing cat puppet with a second unconvincing cat puppet coming out of the first cat puppet's mouth. Now, if that description of the cat puppets didn't make a whole lot of sense to you, rest assured that seeing it for yourself in the movie won't make very much sense either. Let's just say that Uninvited is not a good movie, but it definitely is a good time. The practical special effects in the movie are particularly bloody and over the top. The acting isn't great, but the movie does feature performances from character actor icons George Kennedy and Clu Gulager. George Kennedy sleepwalks through his performance. Clu Gulager, on the other hand, makes some big choices with his part. I laughed a lot while watching Uninvited. It's going on my list of favorite bad horror movies, right next to Prom Night II.

Rating: 59%

(image from Wikipedia)

Rockula

 

A dweeb vampire has a girlfriend who keeps getting murdered on Halloween whenever she meets him and then reincarnated to start all over again. Well how do ya win over a woman who dies when she meets you? You start a rock band! He also raps! The movie is charming but it would be a definite classic if the songs were any good. It’s got Bo Diddley, Toni Basil, and Thomas Dolby for Christ's sake!

RATING: 58%

Bad Ronald

Ronald Wilby is the weird kid on the block. Living alone with his overprotective mother, he spends a lot of his time fleshing out a fantasy realm of his own making. After being rejected by a crush and taunted by some peers, Ronald bumps into Carol, a young girl from the neighborhood. At first, Ronald brushes off Carol's insults but things turn violent after Carol starts insulting Ronald's mother. He pushes Carol and she ends up hitting her head on a cinder block, dying from the impact. Ronald panics and buries Carol's body in a shallow grave before returning home and confessing to his mother. Ronald's mother concocts a plan to hide Ronald inside their home by sealing off a bathroom and building a secret passageway through the pantry. Their plan works perfectly until Ronald's mother dies and the house is sold to a new family. Ronald's total isolation and growing detachment from reality reach a fever pitch after he becomes obsessed with the youngest daughter of the family who have moved into his home. Released as an "ABC Movie of the Week" in 1974, Bad Ronald has maintained a cult following over the decades. It's a little campy by today's standards but it's still worth checking out.

Rating: 69%

(Image from IMDB)

The Sadness

 

Sorry I missed a day - I was too busy to watch any spooky movies. Well let me make up for it with this parade of brutality! A government mismanaged response to a pandemic (lol oops) and everybody gets a plague that turns them into murder and sex crazies. On Shudder they had a special warning about gore and violence that they never do (it’s Shudder ffs) if that gives you any idea about how off rails this movie is. 

RATING: 79%

Dracula's Daughter

Dracula's Daughter more or less picks up where the original Dracula ended. Police arrest Von Helsing after finding him standing over the corpse of Count Dracula. Since nobody believes in vampires, Von Helsing is charged with murder and forced to prepare a defense. To represent him in court, Von Helsing enlists the aid of his friend and former pupil, Dr. Jeffrey Garth. Garth agrees to help Von Helsing despite the fact that he is a psychiatrist and not a lawyer. While all of that is going on, we're introduced to Countess Marya Zaleska, Dracula's titular daughter. The Countess steals and destroys Dracula's body, believing that it will cure her of the curse of vampirism. When that fails she turns to Dr. Garth, under the assumption that the Doctor can cure her of Dracula's influence. And when that fails, she kidnaps the Doctor's assistant in order to force Garth into joining her forever as a member of the undead. Dracula's Daughter is probably best remembered today because of its hints of lesbianism. Being that they appear in a movie from the 1930s, these hints of lesbianism are not particularly progressive. Overall, the movie is talky and slow and it fails to live up to the gothic moodiness of its predecessor.

Rating: 60%

(Image from Wikipedia)

I Walked with a Zombie

Betsy, a young Canadian nurse, takes a job at a sugar plantation in the Caribbean. Her patient, Jessica Holland, is in a trance-like state. Jessica breathes and walks but is otherwise comatose. After conventional medicine fails to improve Jessica's condition, Betsy seeks aid from a voodoo priest. Betsy's gambit lights a fuse that ultimately blows up a family and puts her face to face with the living dead. I Walked with a Zombie plays like a melodrama, with Betsy uncovering love triangles and deception everywhere she goes. It's incredibly stylish, which is no surprise since it was put together by the same folks that made Cat People. If you're interested in the pre-George Romero era of zombie films, it's worth a watch. Maybe even on a double bill with 1932's White Zombie. Otherwise, it's more of a slow but striking curiosity.

Rating: 64%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Burnt Offerings

 

You’re telling me in this house if the toilet breaks all I have to do is bleed a little bit for it to fix itself? Sign me up! Weird though how the final beats of the movie echo the ending of Kubrick’s Shining four years after it came out.

RATING: 47%

Tales of Terror

Tales of Terror is made up of three short stories by Edgar Allan Poe, with Vincent Price playing a different character in each story. The first story, "Morella," is about a young woman reuniting with her alcoholic father (played by Price) after decades apart. The young woman, Lenora, was blamed for her mother's death and was sent away to be raised in boarding schools. After returning to her father's house, the ghost of Lenora's mother kills everyone and burns the house to the ground. In the second story, "The Black Cat," Peter Lorre plays a miserable alcoholic. After a renowned wine taster (played to the hilt by Price) steals his wife, Lorre's character gets his revenge by entombing the wine taster, his wife and their black cat in the basement "Cask of Amontillado"-style. In the final story, "The Facts in the Case of M. Valdemar," Vincent Price plays Valdemar, a dying man who agrees to be put under hypnosis at the moment of death. The devious hypnotist, played by Basil Rathbone, traps Valdemar's soul in limbo and attempts to extort Valdemar's widow. Of the three stories, "The Black Cat" stands out the most because it's the only one of the stories that has any humor in it. Lorre and Price play very well off of each other and their wine tasting duel is easily the most memorable part of the film.

Rating: 63%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Munsters

 

Well not every horror flick has to be, like, Hostel or Terrifier 2 if the reviews are to be believed. This one’s a sweet little family flick of how Herman and Lily met and fell in love etc. It’s got knockout casting and it captures the atmosphere of the original perfectly (although in a bit more color). Sure, it’s probably about 30 minutes too long but who’s gonna take away Rob Zombies toys when he’s having so much fun?

RATING: 61%

The Evil of Frankenstein

The Evil of Frankenstein is a soft reboot of Hammer's Frankenstein series. It rewrites Baron Frankenstein's origins, while totally ignoring the events of The Revenge of Frankenstein. It's essentially the sequel to a movie that never existed. The Evil of Frankenstein opens with the Baron being driven out of town because of his ghoulish experiments. He decides to return to his former home in Karlstaad, hoping to salvage possessions and furniture from his abandoned home that can be used to finance his experiments. It's there, in his ransacked chateau, that the Baron finally tells his assistant of the experiment that lead him to be driven out of Karlstaad. This new origin story, along with the design of the creature, puts The Evil of Frankenstein more in line with Universal's Frankenstein films. The movie becomes a hodgepodge of all of the Frankenstein films that came before it filtered through the bawdy, gothic lens of Hammer in the 1960s. The Baron, though not totally redeemed, is now more of a sympathetic character. A shadow of his former, murderous self. Most of the villainy in the film is carried out by Zoltan, a crooked hypnotist hellbent on revenge. As mentioned, the design of the creature approximates the classic look of Karloff's Frankenstein. Unfortunately, the bulky makeup robs any expressiveness from the creature's performance. And yet, despite all of these criticisms, The Evil of Frankenstein is actually quite entertaining.

Rating: 66%

(Image from Wikipedia)

X

 

A 1970s pornographic film crew decide to rent an elderly couples place to do some pornographing. Well cool but the old lady who lives there maybe regrets not being able to herself have been a porn star, or something. Gotta wait til I watch Pearl to figure that one out! Ti West is an interesting filmmaker because I’m always like “Ti West made this, it’s gonna be good.” But then I realize I haven’t ever loved one of his movies start to finish. This one I did like a lot tho.

RATING: 70%

Wes Craven's New Nightmare

Heather Langenkamp has been having nightmares. Disturbing visions of a newer, darker version of Freddy Krueger. But Heather's just an actor and Freddy Krueger isn't real. He's only in the movies, or is he? New Nightmare is Wes Craven's first kick at the meta can, a warmup for what was to come with the Scream franchise. It also feels like a victory lap for New Line, a chance for the studio to pat themselves on the back for making the Elm Street series. It comes close to being overly self-serious and self-indulgent but it's anchored by some great performances from Heather Langenkamp, John Saxon and Miko Hughes (Pet Sematary, Kindergarten Cop, Full House). Freddy's new look is kinda ridiculous with his trench coat, his green felt fedora and his big black goth boots. Some of the effects look pretty dated today, especially the early CGI and a couple of spotty composite shots. All that said, it's probably the best in the series after parts 1 and 3, bitch.

Rating: 70%

(Image from Wikipedia)

The Incredible Melting Man

 

It’s incredible how long it takes this guy to melt, dang!

RATING: 49%

Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers - The Producer's Cut

aka Halloween 6: The Curse of Michael Myers

The Producer's Cut of Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers was an early version of the film that bombed badly with test audiences. It was scrapped in favor of reshoots. Even though the Producer's Cut does a much better job of explaining the movie's plot than the theatrical version, it doesn't make for a better version of the movie, just a more coherent one. Most of the scenes involving the Thorn cult and its mythology were changed or removed altogether for the theatrical cut. In the Producer's Cut, Jamie survives her encounter with Michael after escaping from Smith's Grove. We get to see an extended flashback of her being impregnated, where we also learn that Michael is the baby's father. So, incest. After that, Jamie gets murdered in the hospital by the Thorn cult's shadowy leader. The other main difference between the two versions comes in the third act. In the Producer's Cut, after jumping out of a window in the Myer's house, Kara wakes up tied to a sacrificial alter. Tommy is able to rescue Kara and Danny from the cult. During their escape, Tommy uses runes to trap Michael. Loomis goes back into the sanitarium to "take care of business" only to find that Michael has escaped. In the theatrical cut, Kara wakes up in a locked room. Tommy breaks her out, they find Danny and the baby, Michael kills most of the Thorn cult members, Tommy and Michael get into a fight, Tommy beats the shit out of Michael with a pipe and the good guys escape. When Loomis goes back into the sanitarium, he finds only Michael's mask. We hear Loomis's screams and we have to assume that Michael has killed him. I say we have to assume because, of course, Donald Pleasance died before the reshoots took place and therefore not much of his performance could be changed. There are more scenes with Pleasance in the Producer's Cut, with many of them centered around Jamie's character clinging to life after Michael's attack. A lot of the other performances were reshot, mostly for the better, and the film's score is almost completely different. The score in the Producer's Cut is better but is still pretty weak. It's essentially a watered-down version of John Carpenter's original score. Ultimately, most of the differences between the two versions are superficial and inconsequential. The Producer's Cut is, by no means, a lost classic or some horror Holy Grail.

Rating: 60%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Malignant

 

A woman gets hit in the head and then all sorts of murdering starts happening to people she knows, and even some people she doesn’t know she knows. It’s a kinda by the numbers James Wan joint until, yes, just like everybody said, the last half hour just goes buck wild! My major gripe though is there is a part where they just superimposed the giant “Silvercup” sign from Silvercup Studios in Queens over some Seattle apartments. Like, it’s instantly recognizable to the millions and millions of people who’ve ever driven across the 59th Street Bridge, whaddaya think you’re doing James Wan???

RATING: 75%

Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers

Sometime after the events of Halloween 5, the people of Haddonfield decided that it might be a good idea to stop celebrating Halloween. But for some folks, not being murdered just wasn't a good enough reason to give up a night of candy and costumes. "It's been six years," they said. "What's the worst that could happen?" Well, if you guessed a town-wide massacre, then circle gets the square. You see, the shadowy cult that broke Michael out of jail have been pretty busy for the last six years keeping Michael under wraps at Smith's Grove Sanitarium. They've also kidnapped Michael's niece Jamie and impregnated her. Why would they do that? Unclear. It might have something to do with making Michael immortal by transferring his evil into Jamie's baby. But, if that was their plan, why did the cult also kidnap little Danny Strode, who'd been living in the old Myers house? Also unclear. The Curse of Michael Myers really gets bogged down by the Thorn cult mythology. It doesn't make a lot of sense and it isn't particularly interesting. Donald Pleasence's performance is a little tough to watch as well. He died after principal photography wrapped but before the film's extensive reshoots could begin, leaving Dr. Loomis to confusingly die offscreen. And, much like in Halloween 5, Michael's mask and the movie's music are terrible.

Rating: 62%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Peeping Tom

 

A guy with a weird hobby meets and maybe starts to fall in love with his downstairs neighbor, awww! Well, except his weird hobby isn’t Gunpla or Warhammer, it’s filming women as he murders them to death. This movie was so hated when it came out it destroyed the director’s career, but 62 years later it’s rightfully hailed as a beloved classic. Oh well, at least the director got to see some turnaround before he died in abject poverty.

RATING: 88%

Critters Attack!

On the heels of another rejection letter from her dream school, Drea takes a job babysitting for a professor on the school's admission board. While on a nature hike, Drea and the kids she's babysitting discover a small furry creature. Oh no, you might be thinking, is it one of those killer Crites? No, dear reader, it's actually a friendly, white furred, female Crite. The cute and cuddly Crite appears to be injured, so the kids load her up in a backpack, Gizmo-style, and try to find help. It's not long before they discover that another batch of Crites, the kind we're more familiar with, have also landed in the area and have started eating everything and everyone in their path. Critters Attack! is not the first film in the Critters franchise to go straight to video and yet it might be the cheapest looking film in the series. It's clear that the Chiodo Brothers are no longer providing the special effects, as the Crites have never looked more puppety. Dee Wallace returns to the series, playing a bounty hunter named Aunt Dee. In interviews, she has suggested that she's actually reprising her role as Helen Brown from the first film only with the name changed for legal reasons. That means that, depending on your interpretation, Critters Attack! can bee seen as either a sequel or a remake. Regardless, I can say with confidence that the movie is not worth your time.

Rating: 58%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Haunt

 

A buncha kids in college are seeking out something cool or scary on Halloween and wind up going to an XTREME (tm) haunted house where maybe the ghouls aren’t pulling any punches. I know I’m a middle aged professional or whatever but one a these years I think it would be fun to work as a cast member in a haunted house. I mean the non murdering kind.

RATING: 59%

Prom Night IV: Deliver Us from Evil

In 1957, Father Jonas (motivated either by religious zealotry or demonic possession) kills two horny teens in the parking lot of Hamilton High on Prom Night. The killer priest is apprehended, drugged into a comatose state and locked away by church officials. 34 years later, Father Jonas escapes and makes his way to an old seminary. Meanwhile, two high school girls ditch their prom to go to a remote summer home with their much-older-looking boyfriends. And, since this is a movie, that remote summer home and the old seminary turn out to be the same place. Which puts the two couples directly in the path of the demented Father Jonas. Other than the opening sequence and the fact that the contemporary scenes take place on Prom Night, this movie doesn't really have any connection to the other Prom Night films. It doesn't even really make sense that the contemporary scenes are set on Prom Night, since they're also set in the Winter. Are Winter Proms a thing? I know they shot this movie in Canada, but come on people.

Rating: 50%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation

 

A buncha high school kids (including a Renee Zellweger) run afoul of a band of wild cannibals (including a Matthew McConaughey). It’s not “good” at all, but I do think it gets some bonus points for incomprehensible weirdness, like Leatherface and the gang are on the payroll of the Illuminati for example and a character gets inexplicably killed by a crop dusting plane.

RATING: 51%

(Think I’m gonna take a break from these and watch some actually good movies for a change)

Leprechaun 3

Leprechaun 3 opens with a desperate man selling a Leprechaun statue to a pawn shop in Las Vegas. The seller warns the shop owner not to remove a magical medallion from around the Leprechaun's neck. So, naturally, within moments of the seller leaving the pawn shop, the owner removes the medallion, which revives the Leprechaun and kicks off a killing spree. Once again, there is no real continuity between Leprechaun 3 and its predecessors. In this installment, the Leprechaun's weakness is his own gold. Destroy the Leprechaun's gold and you destroy the Leprechaun himself. Leprechaun 3 is, not surprisingly, very cheap looking. There are really only three locations in the movie and all of the shots of the Las Vegas strip were apparently filmed without permits. Leprechaun 3 tries pretty hard to be funny at times, fairly unsuccessfully. Unless, of course, you're really into shitty limericks.

Rating: 57%

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Leatherface: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre III

A couple who hates each other’s guts is taking a cross country road trip (good idea?) when they decide to take a strangers advice and get off the highway in West Texas (good idea?). Despite the previous movies taking place in southeast Texas, Leatherface has teamed up with some distant cousins to capture tourists and make stew or whatever. It’s really toned down from the last entry - like, this is a “massacre” but only one person gets killed by Leatherface and sons??? Starting Viggo Mortensen and Ken Foree!

RATING: 32%

Tremors 2: Aftershocks

A few years have passed since the graboid incident in Perfection, Nevada. Earl Bassett's fifteen minutes of fame have come and gone and he finds himself back where he started, no better off. Earl's second chance comes in the form of an ambitious cab driver named Grady and an executive from an oil field in Mexico. Graboids have killed several workers and forced the oil field to close. The executive offers Earl and Grady a lot of money to hunt down and kill the graboids. The job proves to be more than two people can handle, so they eventually enlist the services of gun enthusiast and fellow graboid survivor, Burt Gummer. To their horror, the trio soon discover that the graboids have evolved into smaller, bipedal creatures that hunt using infrared. These new creatures, dubbed shriekers, replicate quickly and before long the oil field is overrun. As far as direct to video sequels go, Tremors 2 is actually pretty good. There's some dodgy CGI in places, but they still use plenty of practical special effects in the movie. It's a bit of a retread of the original but it's entertaining enough on its own merits.

Rating: 65%

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The Texas Chainsaw Massacre Part 2

 

The First Movie is one of my top ten favorite horror movies of all time, a real tonal masterpiece of a nightmare. Well, sure, I like a steak dinner at a gourmet restaurant (I presume), but I also like a hamburger from a sketchy food truck. This one’s got all the gore people think is in the first one PLUS Dennis Hopper having a chainsaw sword fight with Leatherface. Can you believe 80s critics hated the sword fight??? What ingrates!

RATING: 71%

Wrong Turn

Wrong Turn is a cannibalistic backwoods slasher, in the grand tradition of movies like The Hills Have Eyes and The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. A car accident on an unpaved mountain road leaves a group on college students stranded deep in the woods of West Virginia. They're hunted and killed by a trio of profoundly inbred mountain men. What the movie lacks in originality, it makes up in tight pacing and potent performances. The practical effects are well done, thanks to Stan Winston Studios, and there is minimal CGI. It's from 2003 so, you guessed it, it has a nu metal soundtrack. Wrong Turn was followed by several sequels and at least two reboots.

Rating: 62%

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Horror of Fang Rock

The first three seasons of Tom Baker’s run as the Fourth Doctor, produced by Philip Hinchcliffe with Robert Holmes as the script editor, are considered by some to be the “golden age” of classic Doctor Who. And it’s not hard to see why. Ratings were at an all-time high and the show’s mix of gothic horror and imaginative science fiction appealed to a wide demographic. But, just like the Doctor’s appearance, things change. After Tom Baker’s third season, Phillip Hinchcliffe moved on and Graham Williams was brought on as the show’s producer. Additionally, Williams had been given instructions by the BBC to tone down the horror and violence after complaints from some moral watchdog groups. Some of these changes are evident in Horror of Fang Rock, the first story produced by Williams, most notably in the weak cliffhanger endings of each episode. Under Hinchcliffe, most episodes would ramp up to a fever pitch before coming to a climactic and enticing ending. Each episode of Horror of Fang Rock just kind of peters out at the end. It doesn’t help that the script is a little stale. Written by Terrance Dicks, a former script editor on the show and one of the major creative voices during the Third Doctor era, Horror of Fang Rock finds Leela and the Doctor facing off against a shape-shifting alien in a remote island lighthouse. Most of the action takes place in a few small rooms with a limited cast. It’s not bad, it’s just a little flat when compared to some of the previous serials.

Rating: I always find trouble%

Grizzly

An 18-foot grizzly bear stalks a National Forest, killing and eating anything and anyone it comes upon. Only Chief Ranger Michael Kelly stands a chance against the monstrous killing machine. Grizzly, possibly one of the earliest Jaws rip-offs, plays like a slasher. The bear is mostly “seen” through POV shots and there are some kills that would be replicated, years later, in various Friday the 13th films. Though far from a critical darling in its time, Grizzly held the box office record for top grossing independent film until Halloween’s release in 1978. The independent nature of the production means that some of the film plays out like an extended episode of The Six Million Dollar Man but it also allows for some surprisingly violent sequences, including a scene where a young boy is brutally maimed by the grizzly.

Rating: 70%

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Innerspace

After losing everything, disgraced aviator Tuck Pendleton joins up with some scientists for a top secret miniaturization project. Everything goes well until a group of rival scientists steal the miniaturization technology. In order to keep him from falling into the wrong hands, Tuck gets injected into the body of Jack Putter, a neurotic hypochondriac. With the threat of a dwindling air supply hanging over their heads, Tuck and Jack have to team up with Jack's ex Lydia to recover the stolen microchips so that they can get Tuck out of Jack and back to his normal size. Though far from perfect, Innerspace is a real gem. The special effects hold up incredibly well and the performances are excellent. Martin Short is in top form here, his timing is incredible and his physical comedy is amazing. There are even a few stunts in the film that are reminiscent of Jackie Chan's work. The movie might have benefitted from some tighter editing and the score is pretty weak overall. Even still, Innerspace is definitely worth a watch.

Rating: 71%

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The Talons of Weng-Chiang

There's a lot of good stuff in The Talons of Weng-Chiang but it's a hard serial to recommend because it's awfully racist. The bulk of the story centers around a Chinese stage magician, played by a white actor in yellowface, who's been kidnapping women off the streets of Victorian London for the benefit of his master, a war criminal from the future. The serial is steeped in Yellow Peril stereotypes and all of the white characters are comfortably racist towards the Chinese characters. The serial likely could have aged better if the Doctor had been shown to be more enlightened in his attitude towards the Chinese characters but the Doctor really isn't put out by any of the racism and he even playfully stokes the prejudice of some of the characters. The story is probably so well regarded by fans because some of the characters are incredibly well written and performed. The bloviating theatre owner, Henry Gordon Jago, is a particular highlight. And the scenes between Leela and Professor Litefoot, riffing on Pygmalion, are iconic.

Rating: Nothing complimentary%

I Know What You Did Last Summer

After hitting a man with their car, a group of friends reluctantly agree to dispose of the body and cover up the accident. A year later, they begin to receive threatening letters about the incident. Was there a witness to their crime or has one of the friends decided to turn on the others? If Scream is a postmodern take on the slasher formula, then I Know What You Did Last Summer is pure, unadulterated formula. It's a slow burn whodunnit loaded with red herrings, in the tradition of countless early slasher films. It's well made, with plenty of beautiful tracking shots. It's bloody, but not gory. It's also 90s as hell. The opening track is by Type O Negative, for God's sake.

Rating: 65%

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The Robots of Death

The TARDIS deposits Leela and the Doctor deep into the bowels of a mining ship on a barren desert planet. Soon after their arrival, members of the ship's crew start to turn up dead. The Doctor and Leela are immediately suspected of the murders but we, the audience, know that a robot is the real killer. But how can that be? Robots are programmed to be incapable of harming humans. Could it be that someone has reprogrammed the robots? Will anyone survive these automated assassins? The Robots of Death is a great serial. It marries classic sci-fi tropes with Agatha Christie-style plotting. Imagine And Then There Were None on a spaceship. The robots look great and the mining ship's miniature is also very well done. Leela is definitely coming into her own as a companion even though the Doctor remains rather cold with her.

Rating: Bumblebees%