Die Hard 2

Every year more and more people think they're being clever when they tell you that the original Die Hard is their favorite Christmas movie. Don't get me wrong, the first Die Hard is a fantastic movie and, yes, it is set at Christmas time but, for my money, Die Hard 2 is the better Christmas movie. I can watch Die Hard at any point of the year but when the Christmas season is upon us I tend to reach for Die Hard 2. I think it has the distinct advantage when it comes to the setting. Die Hard takes place in California while Die Hard 2 takes place in Virginia during bad weather. It has snow and snowmobiles and pointy icicles that you can jam into a terrorist's eye. I'm just saying John McClane never killed anyone with a palm tree. And sure, Reginald VelJohnson is criminally underused in Die Hard 2, but the movie almost makes up for it with the rest of the cast. You got Dennis Franz, William Sadler, Franco Nero, John Amos, Fred Thompson, Robert Patrick and Colm Meaney. That's a murderers' row of character actors. So next year when some smug douche or some snarky listicle tries to convince you to rewatch Die Hard for Christmas, consider Die Hard 2, you may be pleasantly surprised.

Rating: 75%

(Image from IMDB)

A Wish for Wings That Work

Being that I'm a million years old, I can remember the mostly bygone era of the newspaper comic strip. Some of these strips were so popular that they managed to spin off into other avenues of entertainment, like Peanuts and Garfield and Ziggy. Some of these spin offs proved to be valuable extensions of their respective brands, while others did not. Case in point: Opus n' Bill in A Wish for Wings That Work, an animated Christmas Special based on characters from Bloom County and Outland. I never read Bloom County or Outland, they were among the group of comic strips, like Doonesbury, that had no immediate appeal to me. I would see them in the comics section and think, "These aren't for me. Let's see what Calvin and Hobbes are up to." This is all been a really long winded way to say that I didn't care for this special. I'm not sure if it was trying to appeal to kids or adults. Either way, it wasn't for me.

Rating: Uncredited Voice Work from Robin Williams%

(Image from amazon.com)

Yogi Bear's All Star Comedy Christmas Caper

Huckleberry Hound and a gaggle of Hanna-Barbera's biggest names drive out to Jellystone Park to visit Yogi and Boo-Boo for Christmas but, wouldn't you know it, Yogi and Boo-Boo have stowed away on a bus headed for the Big City so that they can visit all of their friends. On the run from Ranger Smith, the police and some guys with nets, Yogi and Boo-Boo pose as a department store Santa and an elf. Soon enough, they meet Judy Jones. Little Judy is sad because all see wants for Christmas is a Father who'll spend some time with her (Daddy didn't give attention). Yogi, not realizing some people get a little uptight when you take an unaccompanied minor out of a department store, takes Judy to the park for a picnic. What follows is a city-wide manhunt for Yogi and Boo-Boo, who are believed to be kidnappers. Also, for some reason there's a cameo from Fred Flintstone and Barney Rubble where they beat up Snagglepuss in a sort-of charity scam.

Rating: A Picnic in the Park%

(Image from animatedviews.com)

The Twelve Lies of Christmas

I bought the Woody Woodpecker and Friends Holiday Favorites DVD thinking it would feature some classic Woody Woodpecker cartoons from a bygone era. Instead it's got a couple of episodes of The New Woody Woodpecker Show from the late 90s/early 2000s. Boo-urns. There's also a few old theatrical shorts on there, but a bunch of them don't even feature Woody Woodpecker or Chilly Willy or any of those other Walter Lantz characters that I can barely give two shits about. Being up against a self-imposed deadline, I opted to watch "The Twelve Lies of Christmas," an episode of the aforementioned New Woody Woodpecker Show. Bore-ring. Sure, it's got Billy West and Mark Hamill doing some of the voices, but that's about all it's got going for it. Plot-wise, it's basically a riff on Rashomon, with a bunch of characters arguing about which one of them was responsible for saving Santa from some kidnappers the previous year. Fuck you, Woody Woodpecker and Friends Holiday Favorites DVD, you piece of shit.

Rating: Too Harsh?%

(Image from tvshowsondvd.com)

A Very Murray Christmas

Your enjoyment of A Very Murray Christmas will depend on how much you enjoy hearing Bill Murray sing. Because that's pretty much the whole special. It's a fairly quiet, but thankfully not maudlin, special. Bill Murray and Paul Shaffer are supposed to be doing a live Christmas Special at a classy hotel in front of an audience packed with celebrities, except a massive snowstorm has caused them all to cancel. Without a show to do, Bill and Paul retire to the bar where they knock out a few Christmas songs with the staff and other hotel guests. There's even a dream sequence, after Bill does a few too many shots, where we get to see George Clooney and Miley Cyrus belt out some tunes on a sound stage with a full band backing them up.

Rating: Chris Rock in a Festive Sweater%

(Image from Wikipedia)

A Very Merry Cricket

A Very Merry Cricket isn't the easiest thing to explain. For starters, it's a sequel to an animated adaptation of the children's book The Cricket in Times Square. Both specials were made by Chuck Jones, the Looney Tunes guy. You may also remember his work on another Christmas Special How the Grinch Stole Christmas. From what I can gather, in the first special a Connecticut cricket named Chester ends up in New York and eventually becomes famous for his ability to play music. In this follow-up, Chester's old pals Harry and Tucker go to Connecticut to bring Chester back to New York so that he can play for the city folk and remind them to be kind to one another, or something like that. There really isn't a whole lot that happens during the special. It's definitely worth a watch if you're animation fan though. A lot of the animation is of the Looney Tunes variety (including some voice work from Mel Blanc) but it's combined with some distorted city imagery and grotesquely painted backgrounds that reminded me a lot of the work of Ralph Bakshi.

Rating: A One Cat Open Sleigh%

(Image from firstanimationart.com)

Abed's Uncontrollable Christmas

There were a lot of "Very Special Episodes" of Community, including quite a few "Very Special" Seasonal episodes, but for my money, "Abed's Uncontrollable Christmas" might be the best one. Abed, who already lived his life as though he were in a TV show, wakes up to find that he and his friends have become stop motion animated characters, not unlike those found in old-timey Christmas Specials. In the canon of the show, no one has actually been transformed into a silicon doll on a ball and socket armature. We, the audience, are merely being treated to a glimpse inside Abed's delusions. And what wonderful Christmassy delusions they are. Despite the best efforts of a Psychology Professor played by John Oliver, Abed takes everyone on a journey to find the "true meaning of Christmas." Will there be singing? Yes. Will everyone learn a valuable lesson? That's less clear. Will there be some jokes at the expense of Lost? You better believe it.

Rating: Christmas Pterodactyl%

(Image from Wikipedia)

Jack Frost

I love old Rankin/Bass Christmas Specials and I will never hold an absence of logic against them. And yet, having just said that, I don't think Jack Frost makes a whole lot of sense. In the Special, which essentially attempts to explain Groundhog Day by way of an origin story for the Groundhog's shadow, Jack Frost is temporarily turned into a human so that he might attempt to woo a woman and gain her hand in marriage. The problem is, he takes his eye off the prize halfway through the Special and transforms back into a winter sprite so that he can keep a Cossack and his army of robots cooped up in a castle for six weeks. In his absence, the young woman falls in love with a Knight in Golden Armor and Jack resigns himself to being a winter sprite forever. It's kinda like a more Christmassy version of Beetlejuice.

Rating: Ice Money%

(Image from pinterest.ca)

Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire

Even though I stopped watching The Simpsons regularly many years ago, I'll always have some affection and nostalgia for the show's early years. I can still remember the show's early rise to popularity and ubiquity. It all began with "Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire," the first full length episode to air after the characters were spun off of The Tracy Ullman Show. Watching the episode now, after so many years, I was reminded of how the show tapped into the working class themes of sitcoms like Roseanne. And how they were able to point out and subvert so many TV cliches. Despite being a little rough around the edges, The Simpsons first episode still has some charm.  

Rating: Rubber Pork Chop%

(Image from noiselesschatter.com)

'Tis the Season to Be Smurfy

Despite having grown up in an era when the Smurfs had considerable cultural cachet, I'm far from a Smurfs aficionado (a Smurfionado?). Every time I revisit the Smurfs' canon I seem to encounter characters that I have absolutely no memory of. Wild Smurf? Sassette? Grandpa Smurf? Who are these Smurfs? Sure, like most Smurfs, their names pretty much tell you everything you need to know about them but I was still kinda holding out for some of the Smurfs that I remember to get some time in the spotlight. And while Brainy and Hefty get a few moments to shine, Papa Smurf is practically MIA for the bulk of this special's run time. And, once again, Gargamel is nowhere to be found. What the Smurf? 

Rating: Half a bushel of Smurfberries%

(Image from beyondrudolph.wordpress.com)

A Very Sunny Christmas

It's Christmas Eve and the gang down at Paddy's Bar are trying to recapture the old Christmas spirit. Dennis and Dee attempt to get revenge on Frank by concocting an elaborate scheme loosely based on A Christmas Carol. Meanwhile, Charlie and Mack uncover some painful childhood memories. There's even a claymation hallucination, wherein the gang dismembers Frank while a pantsless elf looks on. If you've ever felt like your Christmas celebrations were missing the sight of Danny DeVito naked and sweaty, then A Very Sunny Christmas is just the thing you've been looking for.

Rating: Throwing rocks at trains%

(Image from itsalwayssunny.wikia.com)

Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2

Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 is barely a movie. The first third of the picture is dominated by "flashbacks" to sequences from the first film. The filmmakers probably could have gotten away with recycling that much footage from the first movie if they could have come up with a better framing device for justification. Instead, we got the brother of the first film's protagonist recounting events that he was barely present for and/or could not have known about. Then we're treated to some new flashbacks concerning his own violent misadventures. And sure, the "garbage day" meme was fun but it's something you're better off watching on youtube devoid of context.

Rating: 16%

(Image from sbccfilmreviews.org)