Last weekend Glenn hosted the R3 party at his place in Houston (thanks, Glenn!) Many of our current posters were in attendance in person or via the miracle of the telephone. It was a fun time, with assorted cheeses, assorted boozes, Mexican food, community food, too many cigarettes, and general boisterous festivity. I found out what Laurie is like in person, what a $9 marguerita tastes like, and also that Viking Andrew has a mangina attached to his scapula. However, he was able to beer again the next afternoon, while I spent the day vomiting copiously, so I guess there's a little mangina in all of us (men, anyways. I wonder why girls don't call each other "dicks.") Speaking of dicks, some douchebags vandalized our friend's car, which was super-uncool, but we can maybe find some solace in the fact that chickenshit losers who "solve" their problems via passive aggressive crime are usually mean, stupid, and unhappy, and are statistically more likely to end up getting shot or fucked in jail. Also, we called Brent Newland, who seemed nice but didn't believe us when we told him who we were. The End.
RATING: 99% (-1% for no trannie hookers and no drank)
(Image from kara.allthisd.com. No one actually wore a party hat. I brought bunny ears, but got drunk and forgot to put them on.)
How could I have forgotten the Drank?
ReplyDeleteAnd John, there was -0- mangina on my part. So speak for yourself and Andrew on that.
Oh wait, unless you consider that I was hardly drinking that Jager at all.
So somebody viciously assaults me, and I'm to blame.
ReplyDeleteHey Glenn, tell the pink shirt story again.
ReplyDeleteYeah, tell us about the time your students thought you were Chinese too.
ReplyDeleteLet it out, VA. Crying will probably help your pathetic ligaments heal faster.
ReplyDeleteNo one was drinking that Jager except me. I should have bought a smaller bottle, or more beer instead. I figured you writers could drink something harder than your own tears shed at the unfairness of the contemporary creative writing world. Boy, was I wrong.
Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go throw up again.
I love the Chinese story, too, though I have so many questions about the pink shirt one. For instance, for how long exactly did the heckling occur? Was it constant, or was it more of a one-or-two statement occurance?
ReplyDeleteAnd John, we did drink something harder. Champagne!
Yeah, I think that was one of the 8 or so things that made me so ill the next day.
ReplyDelete@Andrew: Now you know how it feels to be a woman. (Re: So somebody viciously assaults me, and I'm to blame.)
ReplyDelete@John: I drank a few swigs of the Jager. And were those margaritas $9?! I can't believe I bought/drank two of those.
@Everyone: I had a great time this weekend, and I miss yous already. When is everyone coming to Brooklyn to see me?
@Everyone: I can't believe we drank so much. I'm pretty sure I'm still hungover.
I think you guys should ask Glenn to tell you some stories that don't involve him being singled out as some kind of hated minority.
ReplyDeleteAndrew: I hope you feel violated.
ReplyDeleteLaurie: maybe in the next year or two, while we still live in the states. Robyn's been telling me I have to see NY for years.
I drank your lousy Jager, too, John, even though it reminded me of frat boy sweat and Alpha Tau Omega.
ReplyDeleteLaurie our margaritas cost like $7 because they were not Top Shelf, i.e. flammable.
@The Guys
ReplyDeleteDid you get any?
Or were you too pissed to remember?
Sorry, ladies, but that question had to be asked.
ReplyDelete@The Guys
ReplyDeleteIf you respond affirmatively, I will have to conclude that the ladies in attendance have no taste or were themselves totally liquored up.
Well I certainly didn't get any. SIGH.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear that.
ReplyDeleteSeems that Texas dudes are mostly talk.
Oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh snap.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you didn't get laid, L, but you gave out a business card, which is basically foreplay.
Mmmmmm...business card?...let me think what that could mean.
ReplyDeleteMcTavish has never gotten a business card.
ReplyDeleteYep, in the law world giving out your business card basically means "fuck me hard." Damn, I shouldn't have taken that one back from you, loco!
ReplyDeleteGirls, always saying things they don't mean! This is why I'm back to men.
ReplyDeleteAnd I sure hope that one of you will do a review about that guy from Cape Breton. I forget his name.
ReplyDeleteActually now that I think about it, I did leave one on your kitchen table. So I suppose that puts sex back on the table. (That's right, pun intended suckas!)
ReplyDeleteThis is like being on Twitter. Max 140 characters.
ReplyDeleteThat party was one gigantic cornucopia of awesomeness.
ReplyDeleteEh, fail.
ReplyDeleteI think it's bad manners to fuck in other people's guest beds unless you're under 21 or it's New Year's Eve.
ReplyDeleteMcTavish, Laurie's a girl, not a myotonic goat. You're in way over your head here, buddy.
How's Calgary this time of year, anyway?
John missed one of the highlights of the bash: the creepy tiny man doing yoga in tights just outside the Menil's fire exit.
ReplyDeleteLaurie and I went back to the Menil on Sunday so she could see the Surrealist room and that guy was in the exact same place doing yoga.
ReplyDeleteAnd then I saw him at the movie theater when Glenn, Chris, and I went to see the Watchmen! He looked a lot different with clothes on, but I know it was him.
ReplyDeleteAlso, Glenn looks good in jeans.
ReplyDelete@ Internet John,
ReplyDeleteHate to be picky, but community as in "community food" should probably be capitalized.
Examples:
The Community is steadfast in their support for proposition 1100.2334.
OR
I please many women in the Community.
And so on.
@Me @John,
ReplyDeleteActually, after a rigorous one minute research endeavor, I've found the capitalization of (the) community to be a matter of taste.
How about, "many members of the Community think that was a douchey thing for Andrew to say."
ReplyDeleteHey guys I won't be around this weekend... talked to my professor today and he's letting me borrow his ass cabin.
ReplyDeleteWhat part was douchey?
ReplyDeleteNo way, dude. Community is almost as crypto-racist as "community."
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI think R3 might have reached its ironic, self-flagellating mass. I'm not so sure any of us know not only what the joke is, but what we're actually joking about.
ReplyDeleteWhy did you remove the other comment? I liked that comment. This new one is zzzzzzzzzzzzzz............
ReplyDeleteI'll repost it, but just for you, Laurie:
ReplyDeleteAt least now we've found the untouchable in terms of R3's ribaldry. I mean, AIDs humor? Nah. Links to gun-toting Muslims? Still no. Capitalization? Yes.
This whole mistimed comment thing is fucktarded.
ReplyDeleteThis comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteWho keeps deleting comments? You know, if you're a member of the blog, you can remove them forever by checking that little box.
ReplyDeleteLoco,
ReplyDeleteYou're very lucky. Want to tell us which professor? By the by, make sure a certain writer with a certain mustache isn't waiting in the cabin with a blue pencil, more than willing to go over your manuscript with you whilst dropping white powder into a bottle of Riesling.
Yeah, I took that one out. Everyone's white in Romania, but that doesn't make it anywhere near funny.
ReplyDeleteOoh Riesling! My favorite. I hope there's a lot of nice chilled Riesling for you at the writing cabin! Gets those creative juices flowing...
ReplyDeleteAndrew: I love that you still edited it when you re-posted the comment. Be confident Atreyu! (Thanks for reposting it tho.)
ReplyDeleteWhy did you use that gay party hat photo instead of some of the actual photos from the party? I like that one where you look all wasted.
ReplyDeleteI don't appreciate the homophobic tone of your comment, bitch.
ReplyDeleteBesides, I spend enough time looking at myself at home. Like sometimes I'll sit in front of the mirror with a beer and pretend I have a friend over.
That looks less funny and much harsher than I thought it would. The thing with asshole humour is that 10%-20% of the time I just look like an unfunny asshole.
ReplyDeleteWell John, 10-20% of the time you are an unfunny asshole.
ReplyDeleteHa! I read all those comments!
ReplyDeleteIs there an echo in here?
ReplyDeletein here?
here?