Monday, March 2, 2009

Marriage

HUSBAND staggers drunkenly into bathroom to urinate mid-coitus. Flushes toilet and falls backward into bathtub with a loud crash, pulling shower curtain and rod down on top of him.

HUSBAND: Ah!

NEIGHBOUR pounds on ceiling.

Enter WIFE.

WIFE (notes husband's legs protruding from over edge of tub): Hey! Are you OK?

HUSBAND (in small voice from underneath shower curtain): I need help!

Marriage isn't always easy, but it comes in handy at those times when you're drunk as shit and can't get your spotty 240 lb carcass back up out of the bathtub by yourself. Also, it's like having sex on tap, which comes in handy when you're bald and ugly.

RATING: 98%

(Image from wimminwiselpts.files.wordpress.com. Robyn is far too good for and to me.)
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29 comments:

  1. McT's GirlfriendMarch 3, 2009 at 12:04 AM

    I, Angus McTavish, an accredited R3 rating professional, do hereby award this review 1/2 out of 5 stars. Congratulations!

    ReplyDelete
  2. McT's GirlfriendMarch 3, 2009 at 12:29 AM

    Do I detect a hint of severe ennui in this review?

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  3. JohnMarch 3, 2009 at 12:58 AM

    Ennui is certainly a threat to marriage, although things like childrearing and the more general fortunes and misfortunes of temporal embodiment may counteract it. I think a life aimed at self-fulfillment is more vulnerable to ennui than one whose interests are subordinated to those of beloved others, although in a family all those interests get tangled up with each other.

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  4. JohnMarch 3, 2009 at 12:58 AM

    I think we'll have ennui beat once and for all when we finish binding my daughters' feet.

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  5. AnonymousMarch 3, 2009 at 8:03 AM

    But then, you can step out of yourself for a little bit at a place like Top Tunes on 53rd and 2nd. Do you know it, Laurie? It's a karaoke place. I'll be there tonight with my work pals until 10PM or so. Then back to home ... alone.

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  6. laurieMarch 3, 2009 at 9:48 AM

    As I do not sing in public under any circumstances, my knowledge of karaoke places is virtually nil. And who are you, anon??

    ReplyDelete
  7. AnonymousMarch 3, 2009 at 9:56 AM

    Anon is a friend of mine, I think.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Walter Benjamin and the Mechanical Reproductions (the band)March 3, 2009 at 12:38 PM

    didnt i coment here?

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  9. laurieMarch 3, 2009 at 1:18 PM

    I really appreciate that you're making use of the Angel Sex tag.

    ReplyDelete
  10. AnonymousMarch 3, 2009 at 1:23 PM

    LOL!

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  11. AnonymousMarch 3, 2009 at 1:30 PM

    Well, that's my schedule tonight, too!

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  12. AnonymousMarch 3, 2009 at 1:30 PM

    Well, that's my schedule tonight, too!

    ReplyDelete
  13. Walter Benjamin and the Mechanical Reproductions (the band)March 3, 2009 at 2:06 PM

    i have no idea wats going on right now at r3

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  14. Walter Benjamin and the Mechanical Reproductions (the band)March 3, 2009 at 2:06 PM

    this covnersation dont make sense

    ReplyDelete
  15. laurieMarch 3, 2009 at 2:28 PM

    I hate to say it, but I'm sort of with BNL here. The karaoke thing completely threw me off. And I still don't know who Lady or Anon are. So confused.

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  16. JohnMarch 3, 2009 at 2:50 PM

    I figured it was some sort of inside joke between New Yorkers. You're all weirdos.

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  17. laurieMarch 3, 2009 at 3:07 PM

    We are all weirdos, but I still don't get the joke. Also, I really need to stop getting the comments on my blackberry. This constant commenting is not helping my productivity.

    ReplyDelete
  18. AnonymousMarch 3, 2009 at 3:57 PM

    I like.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Walter Benjamin and the Mechanical Reproductions (the band)March 3, 2009 at 7:35 PM

    i feel like im through the blog looking glass right now

    ReplyDelete
  20. Walter Benjamin and the Mechanical Reproductions (the band)March 4, 2009 at 6:38 AM

    but its cute that i jon and his wife still have coitus (think that means they cook together

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  21. AnonymousMarch 4, 2009 at 11:52 AM

    John your wife sounds like a gem! I can't wait to meet her. Does she like chilled white wine? Or would red be better? Or maybe I could make some special "girls' drinks" (hope that doesn't sound sexist!) for her, myself, and Laurie, like a cosmopolitan or maybe even white russians? I do have a cocktail shaker!

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  22. laurieMarch 4, 2009 at 1:21 PM

    I vote for Russians! And we can all talk like Maude Lebowski all night.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Timmaaay!!!March 4, 2009 at 3:39 PM

    This comment has been removed by the author.

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  24. AnonymousMarch 4, 2009 at 3:45 PM

    I'll drink anything, but, I think "girls" drinks are in order at some point during the weekend. If for no other reason than to keep the guys in their places.

    Can I bring some sort of dish or something? Dip? cheese and wine? a cowboy hat? We don't want to shop up empty handed.

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  25. Timmaaay!!!March 4, 2009 at 3:48 PM

    Girl drinks rule. I'm what the Kids in the Hall referred to as a "girl drink drunk."

    ReplyDelete
  26. JohnMarch 4, 2009 at 4:01 PM

    She told me she doesn't wanna drink Loan Star with any broke ass Arabs.

    ReplyDelete
  27. LipstickMom123March 4, 2009 at 8:26 PM

    I never thought of you as the marrying type John from Canada! It must be nice to have a lovely wife to support you while you pursue your dream to be a school teacher instead of the other way around like Je*us taught!

    ReplyDelete
  28. LoCoMarch 4, 2009 at 11:54 PM

    Lipstick Mom there's a gathering this weekend that I would like to invite you to.

    ReplyDelete
  29. AnonymousMarch 10, 2009 at 10:00 PM

    Those soy white russians sure hit the spot. The loan star, "new" margaritas, cider, and champagne went down pretty well, too. What a great time, guys! Let's do it again sometime. Can we travel
    N.America reuniting?

    ReplyDelete