Top 10 Girls Names:
1. Emma RATING: 37%
Admit it, you've never read Austen in your life.
2. Sophia RATING: 71%
Thank you for being a friend.
3. Madison RATING: 4%
Sure, go ahead and name your daughter after the most materialistic avenue in world. Might as well add "Rodeo" to this list, too.
4. Isabella RATING: 29%
Points off for pretension.
5. Olivia RATING: 80%
Okay this one's kinda cute.
6. Ava RATING: 63%
Points off for having sex with Hitler.
7. Madeline RATING: 51%
It was a fun kids' book, but c'mon.
8. Addison RATING: 2%
If you are naming your baby after a Grey's Anatomy character, you need to be sterilized.
9. Hailey RATING: 18%
Have you seen the Duff sisters?
10. Lily RATING: 85%
It's a flower, it's classic. It's not like "Peony" or "Hydranea"
Top 10 Boys Names:
1. Aiden RATING: 24%
Your son will so get beat up by the Mikes and Matthews of this world.
2. Jayden RATING: 2%
Taking baby-naming tips from Ma Brit-Brit = sterilization
3. Ethan RATING: 55%
Yeah that one's fine I guess. A little dull, but fine.
4. Jacob RATING: 31%
That name better have been your grandma's deathbed request.
5. Caden RATING: 1%
Now you're just making things up that rhyme with Aiden and Jayden. Who wants to yell out "Caden" during sex? Give your son a break.
6. Jackson RATING: 17%
Might wanna re-think this one, Mama.
7. Noah RATING: 39%
When Matt and Mike are done with Aiden, they're coming for Noah.
8. Jack RATING: 87%
Yes please. Give your son a nice normal snappy name so he doesn't end up incarcerated or fathering a "Madison" or a "Jayden." Also points for not coming from the Bible.
9. Logan RATING: 26%
Does your son have superpowers? No? Pick another name.
10. Matthew RATING: 72%
Lacks imagination, but at least he's not getting beat up. Unless you call him "Matty." Don't do that.
Caden? Really? I mean, yeah having the originality to make up your own name is kind of neat, but if you are going to do that, why go for such a pedestrian sounding one?
ReplyDeleteAs I've discussed with my spouse, we are naming our son Shark. It's the most awesome boy name ever.
Jack is the diminutive of John, which is all through the bible. Just sayin'.
ReplyDeleteI haven't read the Bible, but I'm sure no one says "Jack" in it. Jack wins. I wouldn't consider "Jim" Biblical, either... or Samantha. Or Carrie or Miranda.
ReplyDeleteOf course you wouldn't. You yanks name your kids Steve Dave and shit.
ReplyDeleteI'm surprised to see that Michael has been knocked out of the top 10. How do we feel about the name Sebastian? Cos that's my boy name choice. I think I may have stolen it from Glenn so hopefully he won't breed before I do.
ReplyDeleteInterestingly, "Caden" sounds like a gay porn name. They don't call one another's names out very often.
ReplyDeleteLaurie, "Michael" won't be out of the top ten for very long since MJ's final exit.
Sebastian is kinda trendy, plus it'll get shortened to Seb or Bash.
ReplyDeleteUnless I have been grossly misinformed, Glenn is not thinking about having kids? Someone please confirm?
ReplyDeleteSebastian is cool because he was a saint who got taken down by a bunch of arrows but even moreso because of the sweet red singing Jamaican crab.
Am meeting mad southern girls with family last names as first names. But then again they don't have sloppy Slovak last names like mine.
glenn i thought we agreed on two girls and a boy? Jessabeth, Nylon, and Moses (after my first puppy)?
ReplyDeleteHaha, I'm pretty sure Glenn was thinking of that name when we were in high school. He probably doesn't even remember it, but if he stole it I would definitely cut him bad.
ReplyDeleteI don't want kids, but seriously I would not even namea dog any of those 20 names. Sit, Caden! Heel!
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't call Slovak sloppy so much as dark, primitive, sinister. Like if a slightly retarded Count Dracula tried to speak Czech. But hey, The Good Soldier Švejk is probably written in Slovak in a parallel dimension.
ReplyDelete"Moje vznášadlo je plné úhorov."
I think the Slovak pet name for Sebastian is "Bašťa" (BASH-tya).
If my mother had named me Sebastian I'd probably have already committed suicide.
ReplyDeleteBut to each their own. I'm probably naming one of my kids Zaitzeff. Yummy.
glen doesnt 'plan' to have kids...
ReplyDeleteWow Chris, that was cold.
ReplyDeleteReally? I hate to laugh at myself, but I thought it was funny.
ReplyDeletePortuguese muffins.
You know in Europe the term "muffin" can just as easily refer to the kind of yeast leavened, single serving bread product on which one might serve a hamburger, right?
ReplyDeleteEven fucking Slovaks know that shit.
Single serving bread product?
ReplyDeleteDid I fucking stutter?
ReplyDeletePortuguese muffins fall in the same family as buns, brioche rolls, and English muffins. They are more than suitable to hold a burger. (And frankly, if I knew a store in my hood that sold them I would use them for all my sandwiches.) In conclusion, it's not a fucking blueberry muffin with beef on top.
ReplyDeleteWait, so an English muffin can be considered a muffin?
ReplyDeleteNo, I just think Portuguese muffin sounds pretty pretentious.
You guys blew my fucking mind with those muffins.
ReplyDeleteAnd little Sebastian's nickname (provided he exists someday) will be Bastian, just like the kid in the Neverending Story.
ReplyDeleteNext time I come to Texas I'm bringing damn Portuguese muffins to Chris. And you're gonna make sandwiches on them and literally eat your words.
ReplyDeleteWell, bring some for I.J. so he can continue to wax about muffins, Slovaks and single serving bred products.
ReplyDeleteDamn, did I use that in the right context?
ReplyDeleteRead the wikipedia article, hayseed.
ReplyDeleteNot that it's any of my business, but IMHO y'all should travel a little more and fuck your cousins a little less.
Where is that you're living right now, IJ?
ReplyDeleteMostly New Brunswick, a little Nova Scotia now and again. There's like a million weddings this summer.
ReplyDeleteWhere's Viking Andrew, anyway?
ReplyDeleteAss cabin.
ReplyDeleteWTF is the ass cabin?
ReplyDeleteWhat's the ass cabin? Is someone impersonating John?
ReplyDeleteNope. I left Houston on Saturday afternoon, and I think you inside joking motherfuckers came up with that shit Saturday night.
ReplyDeleteNo way an English muffin is considered a muffin. I just can't believe that. And I wouldn't have figured that out without you, hayseed.
ReplyDeleteYou don't have to believe it until it shows up and sticks a pistol in your face. You're a motherfucking Texan.
ReplyDeleteI'm right here. I have to steal the internet from the deli downstairs. The Greek (Albanian?) who runs the place hates that.
ReplyDeleteThis Bastian has a surname that puts RKT's to shame.
Also, I'm at this moment coming up with a list of names all of you can use when you have kids. What many of you seem to be forgetting is that the first name should compliment the last in some manner. Otherwise you might end up with an Irish first name and a Slovak last name...and who the hell is going to believe that?
So far, I only have one, for Laurie, for a daughter: Darla.
Huh? Well? Huh?
The evil vampire that sired Angel and then later gave birth to his son? No way, man.
ReplyDeleteEw, what? I thought Andrew meant like Beavis & Butthead's cartoon classmate.
ReplyDeleteI want a pen name! So far the best one I can come up with is Pistacchio Gelati.
No, that was Daria. Darla (at least the one context that I know that name from) is a character on Buffy/Angel.
ReplyDeleteI like Pistacchio Gelati. But then again, everything I write is legal in nature and has to be notarized so what the hell do I know.
Umm so I was reading a classmate's story and he talked about how he (James) and his brother (Jacky) were named after apostles soo yeah. IJ wins. But I still like Jack because it sounds Strong and Handsome.
ReplyDeleteYou were reading a classmate's story? My name is John, my dad's name is John, his dad's name is John, my son's name is John, and we call him Jack or Jacky. Did you think I just made that shit up? Or are creative writing students at the university of Houston uniquely qualified in matters of nominal etymology?
ReplyDeleteYou can be named Jack without being named John, though. In that case I would argue against it being a Biblical name.
ReplyDeleteYou can be named Apple, Blanket or Caden, too. That doesn't make it RIGHT Glenn! It makes it trendy!
ReplyDeleteYou can have "Donnie" or "Steve" on your birth certificate too. That doesn't make them proper names, it just makes your parents idiots.
ReplyDeleteI'm not at UH now. I know you didn't MAKE it up, obviously. But I think, as Glenn said, a lot of people aren't naming their son "Jack" because it's some version of John, as opposed to people who basically use the Bible as a baby-name book.
ReplyDeleteApple is a Biblical name.
ReplyDeleteHuzzah!
ReplyDeletePeople might name their son Jack without knowing that it's derived from John, but that doesn't change the fact that it is.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, the guys who wrote the Bible didn't invent the name John, they just contributed greatly to its widespread historical popularity.
I guess you could say there's biblical names and then there's biblical names.
Like Hezekiah?
ReplyDeleteholy fuck thats a lot of coments(i only read until my first coment)
ReplyDeleteI don't see why the Bible couldn't be used as a reference point for baby names.
ReplyDeleteI mean, the Yellow Pages are a reference point too.
@Loco
ReplyDelete24% for Aiden?? I'll beat your ass for that one! WTF My son's name is Aiden, and trust me no one on earth will be beating him up. He wipes the street with all the Michael, Jack, and John's, seriously.
Plus, Aiden isn't in the Bible! Unless I missed a part during the countless years of forced vacation Bible school, Baptist summer camp, and endless re-savings I endured during my childhood in Texas.
Aiden is an old Gaelic name, but as far as I know NOT Biblical like John or any derivatives like Jack.
Just had to throw that one in there. Dam you Southern girls should know that shit. Where were you on Sunday mornings as a child?
John's?
ReplyDeletePlural fail (2%)
oi, total typo...
ReplyDeleteI thought Mary's middle name was Aiden.
ReplyDeleteI never said Aiden was a Bible name. Please tell me your son was born before Sex in the freaking City. And who's Southern?
ReplyDeleteYeah, I'm pretty sure being a native New Yorker precludes loco from being Southern, even if she does currently live in Texas. I'm the only Southern girl around here. Also, on principle I'd exclude any name from Sex and the City from my list of baby name options. (Sorry anon!)
ReplyDeletek my son is 12. That's waaay before the Sex in the City episodes with Aiden. And sorry Loco, I thought you were southern too. Too bad for you...
ReplyDelete